‘I Went Through Depression; Was Suicidal’

Maharashtra home minister Anil Deshmukh has ordered a probe into the allegations of drug use levelled by actor Adhyayan Suman against his former girlfriend Kangana Ranaut in one of his old interviews. The past now stalks the 32-year-old actor at a time when, with his performance in film-maker Prakash Jha’s web show, Ashram. his career appears to be picking up after years of struggle,. In an interview with Giridhar Jha, the actor-singer seeks to emphasise that he has moved on and would not like to hark back to those dark days. Excerpts:  

Your performance in Ashram is being appreciated. How does it feel to taste success after years of disappointment?

When I met Prakash Jha sir, I told him that I had turned to music when I was not getting work in the movie industry. I had uploaded my songs on YouTube, which were praised by a lot of people; one song got 25 million views. Prakash sir asked me to take a ‘look test’ for his show, Ashram. I bagged the role of Tinka Singh. Today, it is a big success. Even though I have a small character who appears only in the eighth episode, I have received the kind of praise that had eluded me. I shall remain grateful to Prakash sir as well the audience for letting me showcase my talent. I am waiting for the second season of Ashram.                    

You started off quite well with big films like Raaz: The Mystery Continues (2009) and Jashn (2009) and then, everything went downhill. What do you think went wrong?

People keep asking me why I stopped getting work. I am still trying to figure out the exact reason. It was said that industry people did not give me work to get even with my father, who had spoken about them in his popular TV show Movers & Shakers (1997-2012)). Everybody knows about groupism in the industry, it is very difficult to make it here. I tried my best to get work but people did not respond to my calls. I met many film-makers but they too did not offer me anything. It would be wrong to name any individual. I think there are issues in the film industry, like in any other industry. I do not want to blame anyone for that.

Do you think certain people worked against you in the industry?

Some things did happen and I was targeted at the top level because of Movers & Shakers but to talk about that without proof would be wrong. But then, you get to know everything. Some people branded me a cocaine addict; others dismissed me as somebody’s boyfriend. It was claimed that I was not serious about work. Such perceptions were floated in the media and I had to spend seven-eight years of my life fighting against it. Now, thankfully, audiences and the media are receptive because of my work in this series.

It must have been very painful to be without work for years. How did you handle failure?

It was very difficult to handle failure. I went through depression for a long time. During that period, even suicidal thoughts came to my mind. People talk about depression in a lighter way without realising how dangerous it really is. In my case, it happened because I was not making any headway in my career and the media was talking all kinds of things about me. Some things were said about me and my family on the national television, which brought tears in the eyes of my parents.   

How did you manage to come out of that phase in your life?

From experience, I’ve learnt that you have to fight back. My father had come to Mumbai from Bihar with only Rs 5,000 in his pocket, but he earned fame after his own struggle. From his exp­erience I know you will be a loser if you give up. There are other such examples. So, I fought back. Finally, I got the results at a smaller level, but it is like a big ladder to success for me. I can say now that there is no bigger teacher in life than failure. It makes you see the real faces of people, and tells you about your ability to fight. It teaches you how to survive. I come from a very protective family where I imbibed all the values. I learnt that you have to be ready to fight back because it is a toxic world out there. It forms an opinion about you every day; you have to fight it every day.

Nonetheless, I still grapple with anxiety problems. I suffer from breathlessness and nervousness because I have gone through depression. I fight against it every day. I am doing yoga and I also follow Sri Sri Ravishankarji, who has given me a lot of strength by reassuring me that everything will be alright. He has told me to stay focussed. Now, I am trying to do something positive every day. I have to forget the past, to forgive people for what they did to me and move on. I look ahead with this motto.                

You had a much talked-about relationship with actress Kangana Ranaut. In hindsight, do you think your personal life had an adverse impact on your professional life?

Yes, it definitely impacted me. As for the relationship you are talking about, I would not like to dig up old skeletons. But it is true that it created a lot of wrong perceptions about me for which I was discredited in the industry. I think my personal relationship was one reason why the industry did not offer me work. I definitely think that. 

You are now in the news for an old interview of yours where you had spoken about Kangana and apparently levelled accusations, including consumption of drugs, against her. The Maharashtra government has now ordered a probe against her on the basis of your interview. What do you have to say about it?

I want to urge people with folded hands that they should not drag me back into that. They should let me live my life. I have struggled, suffered and after 10-11 years, when I am seeing a small ray of hope in my life, please let me focus. I want to let my parents feel happy and proud of my work. Whatever I had to say, I had said in 2016. Now, I have not lodged any FIR against anyone nor spoken anything about it. I do not intend to speak about it in future. Nobody had paid heed to me when I had spoken about it. Far from it, my family and I were ridiculed on national television. I have no relation with Kangana. All I can say is that we are both fighting for the same cause, which is justice to Sushant Singh Rajput.