For four to five months—between January and May 1920—Gandhi was clearly dazzled by her personality and seemed to fantasise that Providence desired them together to shape India to a new design. He wrote to her that he often dreamt of her, and that she was a great shakti. In February 1920 Young India carried a song by Saraladevi on the front page, and Navajivan another poem by her, along with Gandhi's comment that it was "perfect".
But his son Devadas and others (Desai, Mathuradas and C.R. [Rajagopalachari] were among them) questioned Gandhi and asked him to think of the consequences for Kasturba, people like them and Gandhi himself if he continued the special relationship with Saraladevi. "It was their love which chained me so tightly and strongly" and saved him, Gandhi would say to Father Lash.
An autobiography that Saraladevi later wrote makes no reference to the relationship. Nor does Gandhi's, though a few letters and recorded conversations reveal his thoughts on it. "It was so personal I did not put it into my autobiography," he said to Sanger. Rambhuj Dutt Chaudhuri had died in 1923, but Saraladevi and her son Dipak were very much alive when the autobiography was written and Gandhi could not have referred to the episode without hurting her again.
Saraladevi was heart-broken when Gandhi informed her that their relationship could not continue as once thought. The change seems to have occurred in the middle of June 1920, for on June 12, after receiving a telegram from Gandhi, Rajagopalachari wrote to him: "Had your telegram. Words fail me altogether. I hope you have pardoned me." We can infer that Gandhi's telegram (its text is not known) signified a change in the relationship to one who had voiced his concern.
Determined to nail down the change, Rajagopalachari wrote Gandhi a strong letter on June 16. Addressed to "My dearest Master", the letter said that between Saraladevi and Kasturba the contrast was similar to that between "a kerosene oil Ditmar lamp" and "the morning sun". Asserting that Gandhi had nursed a "most dreadful delusion", CR added: "The encasement of the divinest soul is yet flesh.... It is not the Christ but the shell that I presume to warn and criticise. Come back and give us life.... Pray disengage yourself at once completely."
The break was made. Devadas has written that when he was leaving for a course of study in Benares (probably in the summer of 1920), his father "suddenly stepped forward and with great love kissed me on the forehead". Gandhi was showing gratitude, and not just love, to his 20-year-old son.He would say in August in a letter toKallenbach [4], "Devadas is with me, ever growing in every way and every direction."
And to Saraladevi he wrote on August 23 that Mathuradas and other allies were right to be "jealous of his character, which was their ideal". To deserve their love, which was "so pure and unselfish", he would, he told her, "surrender all the world".
A shattered Saraladevi complained she had "put in one pan all the joys and pleasures of the world, and in the other Bapu and his laws, and committed the folly of choosing the latter". She demanded an explanation, which Gandhi finally tried to offer in a letter he sent in December 1920:
"I have been analysing my love for you. I have reached a definition of spiritual (marriage). It is a partnership between two persons of the opposite sex where the physical is wholly absent. It is therefore possible between brother and sister, father and daughter. It is possible only between two brahmacharis in thought, word and deed....
"Have we that exquisite purity, that perfect coincidence, that perfect merging, that identity of ideals, the self-forgetfulness, that fixity of purpose, that trustfulness? For me I can answer plainly that it is only an aspiration. I am unworthy of that companionship with you.... This is the big letter I promised. With dearest love I still subscribe myself, Your L.G."