Shahrukh Khan movies, Nicholas Sparks novels, Shakespearean sonnets, steamy sex. What’s the common thread? Love. The big, bad, beautiful beast of human emotions!
My book Teenage Chronicles: My Journey of Self-Discovery (published by Jaico, India’s oldest publishing house), dives into the wild world of teenhood. From navigating the chaos of school to dealing with fears and friendships, it explores 10 enigmatic emotions. Love, unsurprisingly, remains the pulse of it all. So what makes love last? And how on earth do we tell the difference between a heart-thumping, fairytale true love and love that is a fleeting infatuation? Let’s break it down.
There is one kind of relationship which is the one we have with someone. Then there is another kind of relationship which is the one we have with ourselves while we’re with that someone. Now if that relationship isn’t strong enough, everything else can feel like a Jenga tower ready to topple. I have heard countless tales from friends who “lost themselves in the process of loving others”. What’s the fix? Well, to begin with we must know our moral compass, or boundaries. Take a moment to ask ourselves, what do we care about? Is it self-discipline? Compassion? Respect? Kindness? Ambition? Fitness? Then, we don’t stay just to make the other person happy and satisfied. We do not care about how that makes them feel. We don’t become doormats for someone else’s whims! That’s not called being selfish; that’s called being smart. (Remember, every relationship either makes you shine like a star or rot in a rut, for we become the company of the people closest to us. Hence, choose wisely!)
We are all gloriously imperfect, each of us a blend of strengths and weaknesses. So we can’t really separate what we like about someone from what we don’t like about them. Think about it, great leaders are often celebrated for their extraordinary visions and innovative geniuses which lead them to create groundbreaking ideas. However, their management styles or people skills can sometimes be abrasive! (And they probably don’t remember where they left their keys..) The key in relationships then, too, is to accept people as a whole package, quirks and all. (So if your partner leaves their dirty socks everywhere, too bad, so sad!). Success in relationships, and in life in general, is as much due to choosing wisely as it is with compromising wisely. Compromising is hard, break-ups are hard… pick your battles!
It often feels like men and women are from different galaxies, doesn’t it? Scientifically speaking, in times of stress, men tend to retreat into their man-caves, whereas women wish to seek emotional support and validation (a.k.a talk it out over a tub of ice cream), as John Gray discusses in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Seriously, even while talking to just my guy friends about certain topics, I feel like I am speaking English and they are speaking Zepherazoolish (yep, made that up). Indeed, it’s only when men and women are able to respect and accept these differences that love has a chance to blossom. Battling these differences? Trying to change someone? Well that’s a recipe for disaster.
In 1986, psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the triangular theory of love. Under this theory, love has three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. It’s like making a three-layer cake - if you skip a layer, it’s just a mess. So how do we get our rational mind to get our racing heart on the same page? By understanding that true love requires unconditional closeness. If only all love could be like a parent’s love—pure, unconditional, never-ending. But alas, we have “flings”!
Speaking of which, let’s talk “situationships”. Spoiler: situationships are often just a fancy way of saying, “I have no idea where this is going.” The whole friends-but-more-than-friends-yet-not-quite-in-a-defined-relationship kind of relationship. The idea baffles me. Sure, they make it seem lovely in songs. But having gone through one, I can say it’s a roller coaster of anxiety, heartbreak, confusion, toxicity, frustration, nausea, and constantly wondering where the hell you stand with the other person. Being in this kind of a relationship just because the internet romanticises casual approach to commitment, undefined boundaries, and instant gratification? Sorry, this isn’t love.
Love is shown through commitment and little acts of care, to prove to our loved ones they are worth every bit. Even in countries like Japan where PDA is not customary, women make elaborately packed lunches called bentos to show their love for their husbands! While talking to one of my closest friends I learnt that empathy, then, is the secret sauce to a lasting relationship. Sometimes, we do little things to make our loved ones smile. But if the other person doesn’t value it, we feel like we aren’t being appreciated. A simple thank you with a touch of affection goes a long, long way. And so does checking in on your loved one to make sure they’re ok—constantly reminding them you love them because life is too short not to.
Love is delicate, love is enigmatic. But for all I have seen and for all I have learnt, love makes us vulnerable. That vulnerability and mystery? It’s what makes love so incredibly worth it.