Akhilesh Yadav

I don’t know, of late I am always humming that popular tune, ‘Papa kehte hain bada kaam karega....” For finally papa is pleased at the bada kaam I did. My Samajwadi mates even want to rename me ‘Roger Bannister’. Now you know, my government and my party members know so much more than anyone else. How many state parties have members who recognise the name Roger Bannister?

Roger was the first man in 1954 to run the mile in less than four minutes and it made him famous all over the world. My powerful aide, Narendra Bhati, has brought to the attention of the media that the Uttar Pradesh government suspended that IAS officer, Durga Shakti Nagpal, in just 41 minutes. Imagine, just 41 minutes to uproot the legendary ‘steel frame’  built by the British. And we in UP did it! Isn’t my papa justified in calling this a bada kaam?

Yet, some of the women around me in UP are permanent trouble- makers, going by their names. Take this Durga Shakti. With such a name, did she think she could frighten me? And she says she was only following Supreme Court orders. What orders? In our goonda raj, we make the orders and we’ve already said we do not need the IAS officers. In the same manner, we’ll not heed any SC observations. We shall have our own observations.

What is so great about these IAS off­i­cers anyway? Some people think they can solve any problem. I hear these days they are recruited up to the age of 35-40. They can fail many times in their exams and my papa says they are also ignorant of English and cannot handle computers. Which is why I say it would be easier to replace the entire lot of these IAS fellows with Yadav cadres who are my kin. This Durga talks about the courts and the Constitution and so on, but our brilliant new breed of Yadav Golmal Service (YGS) boys has just two masters, me and Papaji.

Some busybodies told the media that Durga was not even present at the mosque site at the time of the incident and there was no communal tension. Ha, such treachery after Papa and I have done so much for the community. As for the media, I have never seen such namak haraami. Just one year back, I was their pink-eyed (I am allergic to blue) boy wonder. As a youth leader, I was to set standards for all of India, and maybe even the world. And that Arnab Goswami, who bored me in a two-hour interview then, is now calling me the vilest names. I ask you, what is wrong with driving with an active backseat driver guiding me? I am told these media johnnies can be bought over with gifts. I could offer some of them cushy jobs. It’ll be from a newly-created quota formerly held by IAS officers who can seek jobs elsewhere.

The Mumbai-based satirist is the creator of ‘Trishanku’; E-mail your secret diarist: vgangadhar70 AT gmail.com