Let's Cosy Up To Challenge 'Love'

Harish Chandran was married when he first realised that he was attracted to the idea of having romantic relationships with multiple partners. Not just him, but his wife too. They wanted to move through the relationship escalator—together and with each other’s consent. But being in love with more than one person at the same time is perhaps one of the last existing taboos of our times. “But there were a few who became part of our chosen family who are currently our strongest allies,” Chandran says. For Chandran, and many others, small, independent communities like The Intimate Circle (TIC) and Bangalore Polycules help challenge the singularity of this thing called love.

To put a name to such a relationship—these feelings are mirrored in polyamory. Some call it ‘poly’ or ‘many’. But the basic idea is just more love, Chandran says. In fact, it has now grown to include ‘consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy’ to differentiate it from what it is often misunderstood for—a committed couple in an open relationship where each is allowed to experiment independent of the relationship every now and then.

Conversations around polyamory are often filled with discomfort, misconceptions and grave suspicion despite the growing openness facilitated by the rise in social media discussions. Chandran has been openly polyamorous for four years, which didn’t come easy. “The lack of freedom and the undue pressure from the society around, be it peers/friends/family, was something that we were not okay with,” Chandran says. They even got a divorce, just to make a statement to society that genuine bonds transcend legal bindings. “We didn’t need law to tell us that we can be together and to be there for each other,” he recalls.

‘Hush Hush’ Meetings

To accept the idea of ‘many’ as opposed to the idea of finding the ‘one’, would mean one has to unlearn conventional assumptions that have guided their understanding of love and relationships all this while.

In India, the polyamorous community found its support in the form of small, autonomous groups such as TIC and Bangalore Polycules. Rakshita (name changed) co-founded the Facebook group, Bangalore Polycules, around 2016. “It is a space where people can have conversations and know they will be understood,” she was quoted as saying.

In the quiet corners of their meetings in the bustling city, they share candidly their emotions—from the pangs of jealousy to the flutter of anxiety and the echo of fear—which are part of most relationships. As one of its members says, “I think being jealous is human and I would rather have my partners getting jealous and us having that opportunity to talk more and address this for both of us than have them not be affected by it at all.” When questioned about what happens at the meet-ups, one of its members clarifies that relating on an intellectual level doesn’t translate into sexual attraction. Contrary to a common misconception held by non-poly individuals, orgies are not the purpose of these gatherings.

“Don’t ask to be put in touch with potential partners. We are a support group, NOT a dating service.”

“We are a queer-friendly, feminist, sex-positive, body-positive space, and we don’t care for self-entitled people merely looking for sex, or trans/homophobes, or misogynists,” the group’s rules on Facebook explicitly state.

For Tamanna, who is 34, married and recovering from burnout, Bangalore Polycules came as a safe haven. Calling herself a ‘baby poly’ (the beginning years when she realised she was interested in polyamory), Tamanna came across people who had been navigating multiple relationships simultaneously for almost a decade. “Everyone was so active, articulate and willing to share their problems. I saw behaviour being modelled and unconsciously learned from there to navigate similar and inevitable problems I faced in my relationships/dating life,” she says. It’s not just about discussing relationship hurdles. The communities were a one-way stop to discovering resources about being “ethically” non-monogamous—whether they were books, films, comics, therapists or lawyers.

The events hosted by the group aim to create a safe and inclusive space for individuals to share their experiences, seek advice, and learn from one another. Some have role-playing board games on polyamory; others have ‘Ask Me Anything’ volunteers sitting at tables, ready to talk about specific aspects of polyamory and some also have short films on polyamory that would be playing on a loop. In a departure from their foolproof privacy rule, the Bangalore group organised their first public event in 2017, a screening of a French film Lutine on polyamory to educate more people. Basit Manham stumbled upon this local community at a time when his proclamation of being polyamorous left an indelible impact on his life. He moved from Pune to Bengaluru, and in his search for acceptance without judgment, he found Bangalore Polycules with its members being on his wavelength. Manham was representing the volunteer-run community support and advocacy group, on a committee to design a new polyamory pride flag in 2022. After more than 30,000 non-monogamous people came together, Red Howell’s tricolour received a majority of the votes.

Many Myths

There are as many misconceptions about polyamorous relationships, as there are polyamorous people. Either that polyamory was a reaction to the failure of true love or that their needs were not fulfilled by just one. Or that being with one person became boring after a point of time. And the most common—polyamorous folks sleep with everyone.

As the larger Polyamory India group says on its Facebook page: “It is not about free sex, casual sex, extramarital affairs and nor is it a way to make friends or pick up sex partners. If you are looking for any of these please go elsewhere.”

A member of Bengaluru Polycules reiterates the same: “I am not polyam because I want to have sex with multiple people. I am polyam because I want to be able to love multiple people.” It is more about having, or loving, multiple romantic partners, who genuinely know about and care for each other and sometimes engage romantically with each other. Like polycules, other intersectional feminist and like-minded organisations collaborate with each other time and again to demystify such notions surrounding polyamory and what it is and isn’t.

Open To All

How can you love multiple people? How do you take a vacation with two partners and an ex? How do you address or introduce your multiple partners in social gatherings? Don’t you feel left out when your partner goes out to meet their other partners? These are some common questions that vex most polyamorous folk. For such poly curious people—whether they are single, monogamous, or exploring various relationship styles—the community helps them find their footing and navigate non-monogamy in the Indian context. The film screening of Lutine, for example, was open to all, polyamorous or otherwise, and it was followed by a Skype question-and-answer session with the film’s director Isabelle Broué. One of the questions asked by the audience was if polyamory is the same as polygamy? “I gave the usual answer: that polygamy is about being ‘officially’ in a union (from the Greek word gamos) with someone, whereas in polyamory, we’re talking about intimate relationships without social recognition,” Broué, who is polyamorous herself, was quoted as saying. One such myth they frequently address during their meet-ups is that you are only poly if you have multiple partners. “I strongly disagree with that. I don’t think you need to have multiple partners. To me, it’s about being open to multiple partners that makes someone poly,” Tamanna says. While she rarely has other relationships, her partner does. “I have always been low-key looking for them and am open. Actively having multiple relationships is also a function of privilege—of having enough time, resources, etc. That rarely lines up for me,” she adds.

At a time when navigating the intricacies of polyamory within a traditional Indian household can be a challenging and delicate journey, such communities of like-minded people help extend the definition of love beyond its guarded boundaries. “To combat this part that I hide from my family I end up being quite open to dating on social media (except Instagram). For the longest time my Twitter bio had ‘poly’ in it. There was no reason for me to identify as poly on Twitter because it’s not a dating app, but that was the only place I could own this part of my identity,” Tamanna says, until she found solace in Bangalore Polycules. Though she has now moved to Mumbai, she continues to be a part of the community and fondly recalls their unwavering support.