Bull's Eye

Arthur Conan Doyle's soul must be green with envy. Somewhere in Lucknow there are twosleuths secretly guiding the Uttar Pradesh police.

Their deductive genius dwarfs the investigative skills of Conan Doyle's creations,Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson. The Lucknow duo is Shekhar Om and Dr Vatts. I had theprivilege of witnessing their investigation in a recent case.

"Confound it, Om," said Dr Vatts. "This is the eighth successive crimeagainst a Christian. What can be behind this?"

"Elementary, my dear Vatts," said Om, puffing at his pipe. "The motivewas robbery. Why else were the papers and books of the victim ransacked?"

"They didn't touch the TV and electronic equipment, Om!"

"That proves my point, Vatts. They were looking for cash!"

"But none of the victims was rich, Om," Vatts said. "Why were theytargeted? Couldn't these killings be communal?"

"That's out of the question, Vatts," Om said. "Don't forget UttarPradesh is governed by a Hindu party. Hindus are incapable of being communal!"

"Of course, Om," Dr Vatts exclaimed. "How could I have missed that? Butthen why were the victims targeted?"

"Because they were Christians, Vatts," Om said sombrely.

"But you said the killings weren't communal," Vatts said.

"That's right, Vatts. But because they were Christians they were bound to haveexcess cash!"

"Why, Om?"

"Because the Church is secretly funding Christians, Vatts!"

"Why is the Church doing that, Om?"

"So that Christians may bribe Hindus with books and medicines and convertthem!"

"Good God, Om! If all Hindus are converted, India as we know it willdisappear!"

"Exactly, Vatts! And don't forget that Hindus by themselves are not even onebillion!"

"Great Scott! What are we to do, Om?"

"Only one thing to do, Vatts. Drive all the Christians out of India so that Hinduscan make our nation truly secular!"

"Om, you are incredible! Once again, you have saved the nation! But shouldn't weact at once?"

"I have already advised the police, Vatts!"

"Splendid, Om! How on earth do you solve all mysteries and problems?"

"It's elementary, my dear Vatts!"

I may be at odds
With foreign gods,
But I will not own
These gods home-grown!