Chatur Mid-Off

On top of the agenda was a new dress code. It was immediately agreed that designer khadi dhotis and singlets of the Lagaan kind should replace cricket flannels and shirts. "Why should we dress like the angrez? Wearing khadi dhotis will not only instil patriotism but also make our team more committed to winning," desi chic designer Pranavi Kapoor piped in. Someone else spoke of the brilliant fielding by Aamir’s boys and how research commissioned by the Indian Railways proved that one could run faster barefoot on faulty tracks.

A concept note on the new dress was dispatched to the Indian team and most players were agreeable if their sponsors agreed. The only confusion was over South Indian and North Indian dhotis. Finally, the bcci in consultation with Saurav Ganguly opted for the Bengali version since Jagmohan Dalmiya pointed out that it would work well with the crowds at Eden Garden.

But what about the rest of the gear? It was agreed that coconut shells with husks intact could serve as helmets. And pads could be fashioned out of bamboo. As for gloves, the thick prickly outer skin of the jackfruit could protect the knuckles better than any designer Reebok pair.

The only point of disagreement came from Sunny Gavaskar who felt that since the team would be playing barefoot there was no need for pads. "You don’t wear pads and you don’t pad up to a single ball. You are forced to use your bat and that will do a lot of good for the youngsters," the cricket maestro noted.

Issues like the moral position on the use of a leather ball will be taken up later. The minister wanted to recast some of the fielding positions. Fine leg, short leg and long leg was seen as sexist (to be replaced by fine hand, good hand and a useful hand). Also silly mid-on and silly mid-off was categorised discriminatory (replacement—chatur (clever) mid-on and chatur mid-off). It was agreed that short midwicket and deep fine leg will be tackled later.

The minister was most pleased with the outcome. But the punchline came from a bored bureaucrat. "Madam, the team may not win the World Cup but at least it will be in the running for the Oscars!"