Mixed Shots

One Flu Over The Biryani Best

Nothing can keep gluttons away from their beloved biryani. Not even a potentially fatal disease. A 27-year-old COVID-19 patient in ESI hospital, Coimbatore, requested his wife to bring him the delectable dish. She dutifully obeyed, but the hospital staff refused. Bereft of his meaty repast, he hurled a fire extinguisher and broke windowpanes. Alas, to no avail. The hospital registered a complaint and ensured social distancing from his favourite grub. Now if only he had taken ill in Uttar Pradesh and was recuperating in a particular isolation ward there, where the lonely souls threw booze bacchanalias. What better than spirit to lift your spirit?

Masked Mutton?

When K.V. Rao, a farmer in Telangana, heard that a tiger in a New York zoo contracted COVID-19, he did what any coronaphobe would have done—put face masks on his goats, all 20 of them! Lest you think that might be rather inconvenient while grazing, Rao has a solution: “Once we reach the interiors of the forest, I remove their masks and then cover them again before returning home in the evening.” While there is no evidence that domestic animals can spread coronavirus to humans, Rao’s caution is perhaps warranted. Who would want a serving of coronavirus with their Kakori kebab?

Bolly Misses Killer Kisses

Some are counting tiles in their bathroom to kill time during quarantine, some are deriving pleasure in watching celebrities do chores. But only filmmaker Shoojit Sircar is asking the right questions. How will filmmakers shoot intimate scenes, especially those involving hugs, kisses and perhaps more, he pondered in an Instagram post. While there aren’t enough takers for masked kisses and gloved caresses, all is not lost. Directors can just revert to that romantic gesture of yore—the rubbing of flowers, the stroking of petals, the patting of pollen…all culminating in an orgiastic cut. What the puritan peddlers of sanskaar and glorious Indian culture couldn’t do in generations, a mere virus achieved in just a sneeze.

Money Root Of All Infection?

It was a sight people dreamt of in other times—two Rs 500 notes adrift on the streets and not a soul to watch you pocketing those. But with the pesky virus waiting to sneak into your nasal cavity, one can never be too sure. Residents of Lucknow’s Paper Mill Colony certainly weren’t. When they saw the currency notes, they insisted that it had been left on the streets to spread coronavirus and immediately called the cops, who ‘confiscated’ the notes. The police consulted doctors, who, for mysterious reasons, advised them to keep the notes in quarantine. It’s only a matter of time before some enterprising fellow calculates how long the virus lasts on banknotes and makes a dash for the neat sum languishing in social isolation.

Angel On Wheels

The railways recently displayed such unprecedented generosity that one is tempted to forgive all its grimy toilets, cardboard-textured food and inordinate delays. After a woman in Mumbai tweeted about the requirement of camel milk for her three-and-a-half-year-old autistic child allergic to goat, cow and buffalo dairy, senior IPS officer Arun Bothra contacted Advik Foods, the pioneering brand of camel milk products in the country. The Rajasthan-based company agreed to provide it, but transportation to Mumbai remained an issue. That’s when Tarun Jain, a railway officer, manoeuvred an unscheduled halt in a Ludhiana-Mumbai goods train to deliver 20 litres of the milk to Bandra from Falna.

Brevis

Illustrations: Saahil, Text by Alka Gupta, Saad Ahmed