Dandy Parade

Dubba Dandy: Looks like a dabba rather than a dandy. Has pumped himself into such a busier-than-the-wife state of pectoral peculiarity you wonder why he didn't pick up the bikini top along with his bikini briefs.

Lock Lustre Dandy: Tosses his hair around like some Halo shampoo television starlet. Can't resist flicking that forelock; primping, priming them locks each time he passes a mirror.

Dhobi's Delight Dandy: Feels naked without creased trousers, starched collars. For this male Lalitaji, white is not white till it's dazzling drycleaned white. Right Rajnikanth?

Designer Dandy: Underwear by Calvin Klein, jeans by jordache, belt by Gucci, shirt by Jean Paul Gaultier, shades by Raybans, shoes by Comme de Garcon, shaving foam from Gilette, aftershave by Issey Miyake, hair by L'Oreal. Take it all away and there's no personality left. Just an insecure Adam sans fig leaf.

Diesel Dandy: Self-esteem takes abattering if he doesn't have the latest models of the Opel Astra, Ford Escort, Peugot, Daewoo…. Remember Freud? That wicked old adage about samll D=Big C?

Dyed-to-the-gills Dandy: Usually insecure, middle-aged men. Colour their heads, moustaches. Anxiously pluck grey eyebrows/chest hair they would fain dye if they could. Therefore have eyebrows and chests that look bald, motheaten.

Drink Dandy: Gizmo freak. Multiple changer laser disc, digital diary, remote control car opening device, Rolex that shows four directions, triple times as in London, New York, German time. The works. This one judges himself and everyone else not by what they ARE but what they HAVE.