GOSSIPING GOPAL STROKE: Age Range: 16 to 60. Announce their arrival with doltish, clumsy, all-pool-water-displacing splash. Struggle their tortuous way through one length. Next, collapse from exertion. Spend rest of the evening convalescing, spitting, blowing nose, their own trumpet, discussing own acquisitions, other people's acquisitions/lives. And, of course, the political situation. May/may not swim one grand finale last length before going home "tired" from "swimming"!
ANXIOUS AYAH STROKE: Not necessarily the ayah's province. Embraced by any anxious parent/sugardaddy/-uncle/aunty/moustachi-oed-legs-unwaxed-med-usa-underarm-hair-sporting-didiji type escorting some brat/brats from hell. Refrain invariably delivered at train whistle decibel levels: Pinky baba udhar naheeeeeeen! Eeeedhar shallow mein aao baba!
CELEB HUNTER STROKE: As ubiquitous as the monsoon mosquito. As irritating too. Mouth drools water, nose drools snot, manner drips cringing, craven obsequiousness as he ever-so-casually swims just-so-near his company CEO/chairman/regional marketing manager to hopefully interact/bond in informal environment. Maybe slip in vicious tit bits about office colleague, nudge his own promotion along just a bit...
BASK STROKE: Patented by strictly smalltime Mumbai starlet, Johnny-come-lately Veejay-type-from-Vashi, mouldering last-week's-news-balding-bureaucrat-from-the-boondocks whose mug adorned newspaper frontpage courtesy Election Commission posting just-prior-to-retirement. Spotted at ITDC hotel pools swimming at ceremonial marchpast pace, seemingly nonchalant, actually surveying who else is swimming. More important, who else is noticing him/her. Visibly grateful, tremulously anxious to receive ANY attention that may confirm existence, lend sheen to their non-achievements!
STUD STROKE: Tears through the water like lethal nuclear-tipped guided missile. Bronzed bodyline, popping pectorals with a cleavage that'd turn Lollobrigida suicidal, washboard stummick, taut bronzed butt buns encased in oh-so-merest-of-mere black designer lycra. Speedo, of course. Also Speedo cap, Speedo water shades, limited edition Bubble Aqua Swatch. You'll see him every morning/evening. You'll hear him at the pool, even in your sleep, hissing as he goes along: 101, hahhhh 102, ooooof 103. Nightmare!!!
KAMIKAZE KID STROKE: Age range: Six to 46-year-olds. Generic Type: Yahoos. Manic gleam in eye reminiscent of Pearl Harbour heros. Leap of faith usually culminates with their landing on THEIR stomach and YOUR head. On brighter days you watch from a distance as they crash with a phoosh plop on their substantial stummicks. Hope FERVENTLY it will prove lethal. No such luck. They bob up again. And again. All evening.
POOL PIRANHA STROKE:Men with bad teeth, foul breath, black hair, white eyebrows. Sidles up to the freshest dewy-faced thing in the pool, offers to "teach" her how to swim. God forbid she says yes. Immediately clammy hand is clamped on unsuspecting maiden. Closer to her breast than her navel of course. Unwittingly, of course. The refrain: "If I hold you so you'll stay afloat". Really?
THE CLASSIC MALE PASS STROKE: Butter wouldn't melt in his boyscout mouth. It's just that whenever he's passing by a woman in the pool his hand "accidentally" lands on her thigh, her breast, her.... Some might say this happens too often. Others might say you're imagining things. Poor boy.
THE TIME PASS STROKE: Adipose-afflicted, cellulite-laden, croissant rolls of flesh encased individuals with Home Alone-and-over-the-hill expressions that cruise along at 0.0005 r.p.m. swim rates in the water. Main to bacchon ke liye aa jaati hoon ji-types (I come for the kids) usually.