Mum's The Last Word

In the rest of India a male child is often the most cherished expectation from a married woman. In Meghalaya - particularly among the Khasis - the exact opposite holds true. Here the lady of the house prays for a daughter. For, after all, the continuity of her clan depends on the youngest daughter of her family.

The youngest daughter of the house, known as katduh, is not just the custodian of ancestral property but is also responsible for looking after her parents and other infirm members of her clan. Performing the last rites of family elders is also her duty. The Khasis are perhaps the only people in the country - with the exception of certain communities in Kerala - following the matrilineal social order.

However, Khasi men are no longer willing to play second fiddle to the fair sex. Over the past 10 years, they’ve been engaged in an unusual turf war. A small group of men, united under the banner of Synkhong Rympei Thymmai (srt) - which literally means the association for reformation of the family structure - are carrying out a crusade to usher in change in the Khasi society. Says Keith Pariat, srt president: "The Khasi man is sinking morally and intellectually since he has no authority in the family. Khasi women are no longer interested in marrying Khasi men. So, more inter-caste marriages are taking place. The very survival of the Khasi society is at stake. We at the srt want to correct the situation."

Formed in 1990, the srt believes that the matrilineal system was justified in the old days when there was a joint family structure. "Today, it is impractical to continue the tradition," another srt member Teibor Khongjee adds. Under the Khasi system, the men have no right of ownership. Not only does the property pass on to the youngest daughter but the man has to shift to his wife’s house after marriage. "Boys suffer psychological damage from an early age. As they grow up they become increasingly insecure since they have no real say in family matters. After marriage, too, his children do not carry his name. As a result, the man feels that he is worthless," writes Patricia Mukhim, a noted social activist and author.

The need for change has been felt acutely ever since a large number outsiders, both from other parts of India and neighbouring Nepal and Bangladesh, have settled in here. As the state’s laws prohibit a non-tribal from acquiring property in Meghalaya or even a business permit, marrying Khasi women is the easiest road to fortune for a large number of outsiders. "In our villages you will see many illegitimate Khasi boys and girls. They are offsprings of non-Khasi fathers who married our women for property and then left," points out a social activist.

Then comes the question of adultery. "A man can be charged with adultery but it is difficult to establish the same for a woman in a matrilineal society. What are we, breeding bulls? I can’t help feeling inadequate, fathering kids who don’t even get my name, living with my in-laws and having to go by the decisions of my brother-in-law," fumes a Khasi youth. Since the maternal uncle is the head of the family, Khasi tradition mandates him with the duty of bringing up his nephews and nieces.

Khasi women, however, tell another tale. Explains a school principal: "Look around and you will find the woman working in offices, running businesses and also keeping the hearth burning. We’ve excelled despite being overburdened with power since our tradition has ensured dignity and independence. Can you imagine this kind of output from a woman in a patriarchal set-up?"

To their credit, most women feel the men should be given some property. With white-collar jobs reaching saturation point, land is their only fallback option. Says Pristilla Lyngdoh, principal of Shillong College: "I feel the basic structure of the matrilineal system should remain but we should take the changes into account and adopt the best of both traditions to evolve a middle ground."

The srt, though, has an uphill task ahead. Although several urban Khasi families have switched over to the patrilineal system, a collective transformation is still a far cry. Says Pariat: "Most of our people are ruled by sentiments; so no one wants a change, although many agree it’s time for one."

The srt faces opposition from the Khasi Hills District Autonomous Council (khdac) which governs the area at the grassroots level. The khdac passed a Bill in ‘97 which laid down stringent definition of a Khasi. The Khasi Social Custom of Lineage Bill, 1997, lists certain criteria for one to qualify as a Khasi. The Bill defines a Khasi as one:

The last word on the ongoing debate is yet to be heard. But the battle of the sexes has clearly driven a wedge among the Khasi people who number a bare half-a-million.