Where Three Is A Couple

BEHIND every successful man is a woman. And behind her another. Armed with this addendum to the popular saying, the concept of the ‘other woman’ is more the rule than an exception in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, albeit better known for its conservativeness. In Madras, a skimpily clad woman may invite contempt but not a mistress who is referred to as the second wife even by the first. What’s more—the love nest set up for the other woman is called the ‘Chinnaveedu’ or the other home.

And celebrity Chinnaveedus abound. Chief Minister M. Karunanidhi has two wives. The two women, Dayalu and Rajathi, live in separate houses with the chief minister alternating amiably between the two. The children of both have been treated equally by Karunanidhi and, in the DMK, the relationship has long been accepted. Both the women respect each other and, if people close to the chief minister are to be believed, treat each other like sisters.

Former chief minister M.G. Ramachandran was known to keep the company of more than one woman. Strangely enough, this aspect of his private life did not in any way take away from his popularity or status as a politician. This was perhaps because even while he was a film star MGR was known for the female company he kept.

Notes MGR’s biographer, former DGP K. Mohandas in MGR:The Man and the Myth: "It is often considered a matter of prestige to have one or more lady friends. MGR was honest about it and did not hide it." According to Mohandas, a senior member of MGR’s household once told him that a soothsayer had said that the former chief minister should always have two wives at a time.

Justified as tradition handed down from an era when it was not deemed improper for the landed gentry to keep more than one woman, a way of life also immor-talised in verse by early Tamil poets, the second woman in the Tamil man’s life is supposed to signify male virility. More often than not this is nothing more than a convenient ploy to justify promiscuity. Today, it is no longer a rich man’s prerogative—even men who don’t have a reasonable source of income like to keep mistresses. Thus, besides filmstars, industrialists and politicians, it is quite common for even autorickshaw drivers and labourers to have more than one woman in their life.

This may not be the norm but should a male decide on a second ‘marriage’ he can go ahead even though this does not go down well with his first wife and her family. It is not regarded, at least by men, as a deviation. Although such marriages often leave behind a trail of misery—broken homes and physical abuse of the first wife and her children. 

Indeed, very few of these alliances are as romantic as the poets portrayed them. The ‘other’ woman often spells more trouble on the home front. The first wife is ignored and the man with limited means invariably fails to run two houses. Points out V. Geetha of Snehadi, an NGO which deals with women’s issues: "Polygamy is not limited to Tamil Nadu but here some sort of sanction is given to it. The first wife often just accepts what her husband is doing because she has little choice and is not economically independent."

 Social workers like Geetha blame cinema and the politicians for glorifying the Chinnaveedu concept and giving it respectability. A claim which is justified for there is no dearth of Tamil films which have the pati-patni-aur-woh theme. In many such films, the hero, trapped between two women, is in love with both, and is never portrayed as being in the wrong. Director Bhagyaraj’s hit, Chinnaveedu, deals with the ‘other woman’ theme. A recent Rajnikant film explores the one man-two women relationship. The flow of films on the topic is virtually as old as Tamil cinema—which has only reinforced the male myth of equating polygamy with virility.

Popular script writer Balakumaran, who has penned many Tamil hits, takes great pride in the fact that he has another woman in his life. His second wife, Sharada, was a fan and when they met, it was love at first sight. Initially, he kept his second wife separately but soon talked it over with his first wife who accepted her husband’s new relationship. Now the two wives live together and, as Balakumaran says, in perfect harmony: "Both the women are friends. So we live happily." Much like his films.

The screenplay expert is forthcoming about his belief that no man can be satisfied with one woman. And he feels men must be honest about it rather than carry on an extra-marital affair surreptitiously. "Any man who says he is satisfied with one woman is either lying or is no man at all. Men everywhere have another woman but they don’t treat the second woman with respect. That is why I decided to take my second woman as my wife with the consent of the first. Now, I am a very satisfied man and I cannot explain the pleasure of being with two women I love at the same time."

 Balakumaran is perhaps articulating the feeling that the ‘other’ woman gets a stamp of respectability once she becomes the second wife. The mangalsutra apart, there is little fanfare in the second marriage, which is invalid in the eyes of the law—the second wife has no rights to property. But children from the second liaison are eligible for a share of the father’s estate, which is small consolation.

But as far as the second wife is concerned, a wedding ceremony, usually held at a temple, solemnises the relationship and she feels she has a more elevated status than that of a mistress. Says Geetha: "The mangalsutra tied in the second marriage is what gives it some sort of credibility as far as the woman is concerned. But the marriage means nothing in a court of law."

With the well-to-do, division of property or finances between two wives may not end in acrimony. But when it comes to the poorer class, the second wife is often disowned when the relationship becomes inconvenient. Points out Geetha: "If a man leaves the woman there is little she can do as in the eyes of the law the marriage doesn’t exist. On the other hand, a man may reject his first wife as even that marriage may not have been registered."

KANNAMMA’S (not her real name) husband divides his time between her and his second wife. The husband, an electrician, gives her little money. Kannamma has to augment her frugal income by working as a domestic help to sustain her family of two daughters. She had met a lawyer who advised her that other than filing for divorce there is very little she could do about the second marriage. Says she: "I have given up fighting. What is the point of fighting when nothing will ever be achieved?" There have been instances when the second wife is even kept in the dark about the first marriage.

 Kannamma and others like her reflect the unpleasant side of the Chinnavedu concept. The children live minus a father figure and even when the parents are together they are very often fighting with each other over money. At the legal aid cell set up by the Tamil Nadu government, there are many cases of broken homes which come up and these are mostly linked to the man taking on a second wife. And outside factories on pay day the two wives often fight for their share of the salary.

But why do women opt to be a second partner to a married man? While a woman may be genuinely attracted to a successful male, down the economic order it is a practice born out of necessity. Emotional and financial insecurity is often quoted as the reason why some of the women opt to be a mistress. And for those who have gone through a turbulent first marriage and have been deserted by their husbands, being a second wife is better than being no one’s wife at all.

Going by the law, bigamy is illegal. But the law only acts against a person who has more than one wife only if the first wife lodges a complaint. Even when this is done it becomes difficult to establish that a second marriage had taken place since the second liaison is never registered. As a result many women just accept the other woman.

VOLUNTEERS of Snehadi have come across cases where the two wives have teamed up together—they saw the man who ill-treated both of them as their common cause for discomfort. As two women trapped in a relationship, they decided to join hands and help each other. There are other instances where the two wives help and support each other though they may be living in separate houses.

In the villages close to the temple city of Thanjavur, bigamy is fairly common and has social sanction. S. Annadurai of Vellayathevanviduthi, a nondescript village some 40 km from Thanjavur, is being hounded by the media as well as women’s groups after his simultaneous marriage to two of his cousins was reported by a Tamil magazine. His family is now wary of the press. Asks his mother: "Why is everyone after us? Are we the only family where such marriages happen? Why do these women who have no respect for men come here and protest?"

The women were CPI(ML) activists. And Annadurai, who was earlier very forthcoming about his marriage to Kalaiselvi and Muthulakshmi, has clammed up. His marriage was one arranged by his family and since both the sisters wanted him, the parents of the brides and the groom mutually arrived at a solution—Annadurai must marry both "so that everyone would be happy." It is still early days to give the marriage a "lived-happily-ever-after" tag though Annudarai says having two wives is like "walking a tightrope" and one has to be careful not to play "favourites."

He has seen films portraying the second woman but he says he does not see anything inspiring in the filmi portrayals. Annadurai feels that real life is far more complicated. "With two wives one has look after them like a king looks after his kingdom. The man has to be just. If he fails in that, then he fails as a husband."

Annadurai hails from the same district as AIADMK leader S. Thirunavukkarasu, who has also married two sisters. Another AIADMK leader, S. Kalimuthu, a minister in MGR’s cabinet, has two wives—one is an active member of the AIADMK while the other swears by the DMK. As for the villagers, they see nothing wrong with having more than one wife, provided neither women have objections and the man has enough money to sustain both. However, women activists point out that in most bigamy cases, the women can exercise no choice and are often forced into such relationships either by their parents or through circumstances.

But what does an organisation like Snehadi do for women with marital problems? According to V. Geetha, they do not offer advice, only suggestions. Points out Geetha: "We don’t want to pass any moral judgements. But we do give suggestions. However, we let them choose the course of action they think is right."

Those who see nothing wrong in the second woman concept point out that monogamy is a recent phenomenon and that if one dips into Tamil literature there are enough references to the ‘other woman’. In the Sangam period, as many as 342 poems dealt with the ‘other woman’—though there isn’t a single one on the ‘other man’.

A tradition translated into modern times has been the cause of much marital discord. But then the male chauvinistic view is that only a man who can afford two wives should venture out for a second home. With women becoming increasingly aware of their rights, the self-assumed male prerogative of deserting one woman for another is under threat. But the practice will continue till the first wife refuses to take the second liaison lying down.