A Buzz In The Devil's Workshop

But it is evident that lately there has been a slackening of our enthusiasm for Inventing. In my opinion the elementary reason for this slowing down is the bad habit of laziness: that contemptible thought - 'Why should I?' Or the other heinous thought, 'I have better things to do than Inventing.' Or, the pernicious inner voice which says it is much more interesting just to lie in bed than to rush around trying to Invent. All these deflect us from the road to Invention.

Procrastination is another foe of Invention. 'I'll Invent something tomorrow', or, 'What can I invent when my wife and kids are sitting around me like this?' - are also common excuses. 'I shall remove myself to Kuttalam or Kulu-Manali and start my Inventions there' is yet another evasion tactic. All these turn us into non-Inventors.

'The Heavens will not fall just because I haven't Invented something' is another debilitating thought, a most disrespectful one, I must add, that is contrary to the spirit of Invention. We are led astray by such thoughts because we lack a proper understanding of our debt to our society. We should never forget this debt. Our debt to our society is as perennial as our debt to our rulers who lead us inexorably towards our goals in life and give us our daily rations; or even better, like our debt to the great Soviet Socialist Republics who anxiously await the call of patriots the world over to improve the lot of the workers of this world. Let us not forget that termite mounds, cemeteries, the rss and ant-hills are also societies. We must all Invent until our society also grows and prospers just like them.

There is, however, a far more pessimistic vein of thought that instantly kills the spirit of Invention. This is the senseless argument that poses the question: and where have we arrived after all these Inventions? Just like any other worm or grub or blade of grass, are we also not going to drop dead one of these days? And isn't it just as true that we are also going to be reduced to ashes like a dry field on fire, if tomorrow the gases in the core of the sun are used up, or if there is a slight twist to the lunar orbit? And, furthermore, have all these Inventions done only good for man?

But we should not think such thoughts or ask such questions. Would you have thought just any fancy, senseless thought that came to your mind if you were an obedient citizen living by the rules of a pure socialist society? Don't forget that you are fortunate to live in a democratic socialist republic that mangled your fundamental rights only once. So what if you and I lost a few minutes of sleep because we were woken up at midnight by a knock on our door? Be grateful. Even a dog has gratitude. If you can't wag your tail, at least nod your head.

It is true that ships have capsized upon rocks where a lighthouse shone, mistaking it for shore. But that lighthouse was built there to warn us of those very rocks. This only shows the drawbacks of geography. You will fall down in a faint and have diarrhoea if you mistake a ball of roach poison for chocolate. But it happens only because your parents did not instruct you on the categorical difference between roach poison and chocolate, clearly and with examples, when you were a child. So many of us get fooled every day in the name of democracy. But what if we actually like getting fooled a little? So you see, it is easy to blame Inventions, but they too have their problems. It is true that our side won the war by dropping the atom bomb, but it is also true that if it is dropped somewhere close to us the next time, in one moment, we will all become shadows on the scorched earth without even the time to die properly; mere apparitions in burned silhouettes on the bathroom wall or on the court-building etc - that is, if the walls are still standing. But how can we teach our enemies a lesson without the atom bomb? Do you honestly think that our enemies will listen to us if we don't drop our bomb over the streets where their children play, over the hospitals where their sick lie, over the rooms where their lovers embrace? After all, what are we if we don't love our country? Can you hang a picture without a wall? Where will progress be without patriots? Let me tell you, a bad attitude towards Inventions will affect progress itself in the end. After all, don't we wait at bus-stops, accept bribes, read newspapers, go to work, buy land, drink medicines, build police-stations and knife each other, all only for progress?

Things being the way they are, I have great pleasure and satisfaction in presenting before my respected public some of my recent Inventions. I need not specially add that their patents and all rights and royalties belong exclusively to me and only me. But if anyone is interested in mass production of these Inventions, I will of course gladly consider coming to a mutually beneficial agreement. These Inventions being for global good, I am sure our very own government is likely to give us all financial support. But I must let it be known that I cannot be approached for recommendations and kickbacks. My interest is purely that of a scientist. Let those who have the grit and the will industrialise and produce my humble Inventions.

Truly our enemies are such rascals and rogues. We often pray for lightning to strike them dead, but do we ever take steps to ensure that they are indeed struck? If justice were always a matter of 'So be it' these problems would not arise. For instance, justice is surely done if the rogue who usurped my seat in a crowded bus were to slip as he got out, fall under the bus and get run over. But if the same rogue walked out of the bus, fine and fit, without a care, and sauntered away with a merry whistle into the day, what else can I do but pray for lightning to strike him dead? But is mere prayer enough? Does not wisdom say, 'God helps those who help themselves'?

It is a simple machine. The main part is a Lightning Conductor. You can buy this in any electrical shop. Attach the rod of the lightning conductor to the top of a helicopter or any available airplane. To the rod attach a metal wire long enough to touch earth. On a dark, stormy and lightning-filled night, fly the airplane above your enemy's house at a suitable height. If you do not know how to fly an airplane, get a pilot from Bombay or wherever. If you see your enemy walking in the rain, follow him through the air. There is just one technical detail: make sure that the bottom end of the metal wire stays close to the body of your enemy. Ideally, if possible, it should touch him. True, this is hard work. But have you forgotten so easily what you learned on 26 June, 1975, i.e., 'Hard work is the secret of success'? After that is done, the next step is prayer. Pray earnestly, on bended knees, and make whatever vows are necessary. If you are lucky, any one of those lightning volts wandering in the sky is likely to get on to your lightning rod, travel through the connecting wire and strike your enemy on the head. Can any machine offer you a better guarantee than that?

A great advantage of this machine is that three of its components - lightning conductor, airplane and metal rod - can all be bought readymade. As for the other component - prayer - anyone can pray. The remaining two components - lightning and luck - are readily available in nature. Of the remaining three components, you and your enemy are present from the beginning. The third component is God. A small drawback of the machine lies here. This component should be handled with great care, because God is in the lightning, the metal rod, your enemy and you. Isn't that enough to produce a short circuit? So take care that the machine does not hit back and put lightning through you. Do not have the false hope that this plan can be executed without God. If that was possible, this component would not have been included in the kit in the first place. On second thoughts, I feel it is best that ordinary people do not use this machine. If it is to be used at all, use it with considerable prayer, meditation and repentance. This makes me suspect that perhaps only atheists should use this machine. Because they have forsaken God and God has forsaken them. Whether atheists believe that lightning can be an avenger is another matter.

Money is certainly basic to all equipment building. If you have no money, and want to make money for the above machine, it will be enough to buy a few acres of rubber plantation or go into Karnataka and buy some acres of areca-nut palms there. Only make sure that the land has a proper title deed and tenure. Or start a weekly magazine from Kottayam, or become a journalist in Delhi. What does it matter so long as money is made, and we are happy?

Invention-2

There must be a million lovers every night who get ready for an amorous tryst and then turn away in disappointment due to the absence of moonlight or even just a simple token moon. Many are the stories of love affairs that fell apart in the absence of a proper moon. I personally know the story of two young lovers, a boy and a girl, who even forgot why they met in the garden at night, and just spent time chatting about little social things and went their separate ways. They met a few more times in church on Sundays and also when they went to Kottayam to see Indira Gandhi but their relationship never turned into romance. It ended as mere friendship. The reason? Absence of moonlight. Finally they got married to people whom they had never met before and are living happily. But just think about the slap on the face of Romance! With the machine I have invented, lovers can, if they want to, when they meet at night - sometimes light is not desirable - make the moon shine.

For the successful working of the machine the full support of the United Nations is absolutely necessary. But consider this done already, because our machine is the solution to the problem of love in all nations. Once the United Nations has taken steps to establish a sufficient number of floodlights and spotlights and reflectors in the moon, my machine will be almost ready to function. The Kerala Electricity Board can undertake the erection of the equipment on the moon and in the process recover some of the losses suffered in the cancellation of the Silent Valley project and also, if lucky, collect some kickbacks.

The machine is a simple remote control switch. Just a small electronic switch that can be hidden inside the purse or the pocket of young lovers. Press the switch and instantly all the thousands of lights in the moon will shine, creating the sensation of moonlight. A thousand flowers of love - they are called flowers aren't they? - will bloom.

The Supplementary Attachment to Prevent Dark Clouds from Obscuring the Moon comes in two models. The first one is a book that contains The Prayer to Prevent Dark Clouds from Appearing, presented in all the major languages of the world. If dark clouds threaten the milky light, the lovers, both the young man and the young woman, should raise their eyes to the sky and say this prayer with great diligence. The second model is for atheists who do not want to pray, intellectuals, and revolutionaries. This is essentially a cassette player. A pre-recorded cassette of the above-said prayer comes with the player. When the need arises, if the cassette player is switched on, the cassette having been inserted in it, the player will say the prayer. Intellectuals and atheists have the option either to raise their eyes to stare at the darkness above or bend their heads to stare at the darkness below. There is also the freedom to say or not to say 'Amen' at the end of the prayer.

When the main machine, i.e., the remote control switch, gains popularity there will arise the need for safety precautions. What I mean is that since the machine will be most useful and indispensable during the dark phase of the moon, there could be overutilisation of the machine which would lead to the moon shining throughout its dark phase. This can get to be unpleasant because traditionally there has always been something called the dark phase of the moon. To prevent this erosion of tradition, the United Nations should exhort the lovers of the world to practise abstinence during the dark phase of the moon. But here precisely lies the technical snag. If lovers actually listen to the exhortation and practise self-control it would make our main machine redundant. That means things can be achieved with just exhortation. If the intention was to conclude that 'Exhortation is better than Invention' the machine need never been invented. Forget the rope when the skipping goes well? Endless and mysterious are the misgivings of being born an Inventor in a Mechanical Age.

Invention-3

It is uncivilised and distressing that birds continue to excrete upon the public statues of our great men. Think of all the birds that migrate to India from abroad! And remember what our prime minister told us about the Foreign Hand! Can we totally reject the idea that perhaps all these birds entering India under the so-called migration is just another conspiracy aimed at showing our great men in a bad light?

Only a very simple machine is needed to prevent foreign birds and their Indian collaborators from excreting on the statues. The machine mainly consists of a life-sized sculpture of an evil red-eyed cat with a dead bird in its mouth. Place this sculpture atop the head of each great man. There will be a cassette player inside the cat periodically crying 'Meow'. The cat on top of Gandhi's head should not have a bird in its mouth.

This machine, however, might create a misunderstanding. It can generate confusion in the minds of visitors from other galaxies who have never seen a human being before. For, they are likely to mistake the Great Man for the Pedestal and the Cat for the Great Man. And there might even be some who mistake the bird in the cat's mouth for the Great Man. If they come from a planet with a craze for travel writing, all these mistakes will surface in their magazines.

Some will go back and write:

But those who have also seen statues of Gandhi with the alerted cat sculpture on top are likely to write letters to the editor thus: there is one more kind of Great Man in India. These are the ones that sit on pedestals that lean slightly forward and are propped up by sticks. They look like cats and say 'Meow' but they do not bite.

That's all right. It is better that our Great Men are a little misunderstood than left shitty in public. What is lost in greatness is gained in cleanliness. A clean mind in a clean body. What do you say?

Translated by Dr S. Gayathri Devi
(Excerpted by permission of the publishers from The Reflections of a Hen in Her Last Hour, Penguin. Paul Zacharia lives in Thiruvananthapuram. He works for the Malayalam television channel, Asianet. Bhaskara Pattelar and Other Stories, the first collection of his stories translated into English from Malayalam, appeared in 1994.)