What can you say about a stress management show that starts with a delayed flight because airport officials are burning flares to scare away menacing vultures hovering above the runway? Then-like the perfect icing on the cake-you are followed by gun-toting, uniformed soldiers as escorts, ostensibly to avoid being hit by molotov cocktails thrown at passenger vehicles by Maoist rebels demanding an independent homeland. The scene? Take a wild guess between Afghanistan, Colombia or El Salvador. But it happened in the heart of Kathmandu, the capital of the Himalayan kingdom of Nepal.
Tense? Impressed? Curious about rapid political developments in the land of the Buddha? But it's happening, besides routine hit-and-run killings and kidnappings in the tiny valley, once considered a free zone for hippies and smugglers from India interested in imported silk, quilts, rucksacks and electronic gadgets from Hong Kong and Taiwan. But now, seminars and conferences have become the miracle cure for Nepal's tourism-driven economy. Both Indian companies and multinational corporations prefer the venue. First the works and then the razzmatazz. Yoga and meditation in the hotel lawns and scanning the night-clubs at Thammel and gambling in 24-hour casinos scattered all over the city. If you are a part of the show, it's party time, man.
And it seemed fun throughout for the 21 delegates from India. "No business talk and don't look grim,"remarked quizpro Derek O'Brien, ushering everyone in to the three day-long show, aptly titled Business 2 Madness. Not long ago, few would have expected this charismatic Anglo-Indian from Calcutta to do wonders with corporates. He had done it with children and many thought O'Brien was a cropper with anything that came without quizzes and kids. But inside the ballroom of the plush Soaltee Crown Plaza (the crucible where it all came together), he was simply irresistible.
The giant chandelier sparkled above. And below, the mood ranged from anything between frolicking and merrymaking. They all listened to him, like fidgety children waiting for the referee's whistle before a school soccer match. And once the whistle blew, it was a virtual pandemonium. "Put your hand under the chair...pick up the packet stuck there. Pants down...wear the uniform,"thundered O'Brien as women scurried for cover. And why not? Auto columnist and PR veteran Murad Ali Baig was joined by portly Zee spokesman Ranjan Bakshi in a classic stripping act that meant struggling into a T-shirt which had a signed column by Jug Suraiya and multicoloured, garish bermudas. And considering the fitness levels of the participants, it was quite a scalping. Many followed O'Brien's orders. Some were visibly embarrassed and preferred the changing room like the women.
"Does he really mean it,"quizzed Suraiya, or the "puppet-meister"who fashioned the show's central theme on a classic single line: Why does the human race? And then, added Suraiya in his inimitable, jugular vein: "We all do (race). All of us race. It's like rats in a maze. From cradle to grave."In the backdrop, lights dimmed as the organisers played the theme song (read stress anthem):
My Daddy is an MP
My Mummy's into mink
My brother is a puppie
My sister is a dink
My Uncle has a green card
My Auntie's got one too
Jesus, Hai Ram, Sirf hum
Hi bilkul faltoo!
The ice was broken. No wonder the show was loved by one and all, including the conservative troika of granite kings from the south-S.R. Kumar, director, Chennai-based Gem Granites, K. Ravinder Reddy, chairman, Hyderabad-based Sun Rock Exports, and S. Reddy, chairman, Pallava group-who seemed more keen to find out details of Himalaya Darshan, a daily sortie over the snow-capped peaks which can help you see Mount Everest if the skies are clear.
The frolicking continued unabated. Over the next three days, the participants discussed swadeshi-vs-videshi, microchips-vs-potato chips and tandoori chicken-vs-Kentucky Fried Chicken. Once the discussion was over, stress management guru Santosh Babu took the floor with his hypnosis therapy. Seconds later, hcl Infosystems marketing head Sharad Talwar was fast asleep, precariously balancing his head and toes between two chairs. Nearby, Indian Express deputy general manager Malcom Mistry dozed off. "The idea was to let them be free...and get legends who are known for doing things in the most unorthodox manner,"said the duo of Sushmita Dasgupta and Suneeta Datta of Confab Communications who conceived it.
The legends finally came and took their place on the podium. The participants, meanwhile, had smartly timed their movements between visits to the famous Pashupatinath Temple and the glitzy casinos crowded with dancing girls under smoke-filled disco lights and scores of Indians who were more keen to guzzle free beer and whisky than betting on the blackjack and roulette. It's late night and Suresh Babu is fast asleep after his pranaayam. Who's bothered about his message not to touch liquor during such classes?
Advertising legend Alyque Padamsee came in first in true style, breaking out of a cardboard box to everyone's surprise and immediately forming a huge circle as if he wanted a game of Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses. But the ad guru resorted to some furious foottapping and the entire group chanted: "I can do it...I can do it."Looked like a perfect lesson for the Indian cricket team. "Please don't be flashy as corporates always love to be. Just be yourself and think through the heart...take lessons from everyone you meet,"remarked Padamsee. The audience listened with awe as he talked of taking tips from his driver while directing Evita in Mumbai. "He told me a fairy (read Sharon) shouldn't use stairs because she has wings...we changed the scene."
The burly Russi Mody followed Padamsee. The former tisco boss flew in (surprisingly) straight from London. Accompanying him was Aditya Kashyap, his Man Friday. After a hearty meal, Mody was at his classic best and livened up the session with some memorable, headline-grabbing talk. "The best way to grow in the organisation is to learn where its heart lies. In tisco, it was the workers at the plant who mattered most,"remarked Mody, as he fended off routine queries from O'Brien-who was egged on by two newshounds in the room-about his showdown with the Tatas that generated a lot of heat. "It has all gone with the wind, son,"quipped Mody.
For a change, the air became heavy. O'Brien immediately took the crowd outdoors and split the group into two sides for games that looked straight out of a German carnival. Apollo Tyres' marketing head Sunam Sarkar tied a bandana to lead one group as the rivals eyed them with tremendous seriousness. The scene had the ingredients of a Brazil-Argentina soccer clash. "It was good to get back to games,"exulted Sarkar.
Tired? There were alternatives available. Santosh Babu waited in the wings to scatter the crowd for the day. And in the night, he returned like the Ghost Who Walks, except there was no Denkali jungles, pygmies and Daina Palmer. He had set up a charcoal firebed and topped it with salt. After the initial hesitation, the walk started. Everyone did as Soaltee general manager Ribhu Chatterjee watched. "Never seen so many corporates in my backyard,"he mumbled to Suraiya who had just returned from his triumphant walk as wife Bunny watched with pride.
And like all good things, the show ended. But how can it be over without the fanfare? Under a starlit night close to the shimmering pool, the organisers conceived Madmabhushan awards (as opposed to the Padmabhushan) to top the madmania. Suraiya and O'Brien ran the show with prizes that ranged from Consistent Smiling Face (V.S. Kashyap, executive vice-president, Glaxo), Chatterbox Couple (Vijaylakshmi and Murad Ali Baig), Timely Appearance (the ndtv crew led by Kankana Das which reached 24 hours late-more vultures?), Doomed Life (Indian Express' Malcom Mistry for losing a lakh in the casino) and Son of Bengal (the Outlook reporter for talking too much about Calcutta despite being born in Jaipur). Any takers? Just yell for Suneeta and Sushmita.
