“Your love is invalid”, “This won’t last long”, “If this is consensual, how is this polyamory”, “I could never do it, you are brave to believe in this”—these are just a few of the sentences that are thrown at me casually by people either from a perspective of being curious or sheer disgust. All this is in the attempt that I too start confining to the norms of monogamy. Prompts like jealousy and instability are universal human experiences and not just confined to polyamory or ethical non-monogamous relationships.
Rather than giving you a textbook or Google definition of what ethical non-monogamy or polyamory is, I will use this opportunity to quote my partner because the diverse forms of love we share with each other encompass the entire universe for me.
One of my partners, “P”, says polyamory is freedom. It is a reminder that no human being belongs to you and that people and connections are transient. It also allows one to have a larger chosen family through my partner and their various forms of sexual/romantic/platonic or any other form of connections. It allows one to have all the people who matter to their partner as part of their life and all of us are collectively united around a larger banner of polycule. That’s a lot of love for a lifetime that one would never want to trade for the restrictive shackles of monogamy.
My default belief is more controversial. I think that we are too chickened out to accept that we can love people in the diversity of love that we kinder in ourselves. This fear of loving people comes from the compulsory conditioning that one person will provide for everything in our life. Fear also means acknowledgement of where this discomfort arises from and in some spaces it also means a policy change, which is an expensive process if money is involved—many spaces say this in the guise of remaining conditional to certain practices and norms.
And to say that this is a competition is such a baffle to me because it is not. Monogamy is not bad and polyamory is not good—both and many other forms of relationship orientations exist and will continue to exist. What is bad is to say that monogamy by default is the norm, because it is not, and neither is it a new “Western” phenomenon brought in by Gen Z.
One of my other partners, “M”, says polyamory feels like freedom to them; freedom to be themselves and not have restrictions on themselves and their partner, not based on gender, not based on how many people they see or how many people they are seeing. See or seeing in dating lingo refers to the stage that is right before getting into a committed relationship with one or multiple people. This definition varies from person to person and should not be considered as the default form.
What shocks people the most is when I tell them that I am a Panromantic Ace. In simpler terms, a Pansexual person is attracted to people of all genders (know that it is a spectrum), sexual orientations and romantic orientations. I see the person and not their gender when I feel or experience love or attraction toward them.
Ace here refers to the asexual part within me that has existed irrespective of any childhood trauma or the need for the right person in my life. Let’s get one thing straight and many things queer, that there is no right or wrong person in our lives. It’s mostly the experience that comes out of these people which can either be good or bad.
Again, defining asexuality as per Google would make it sound like “we are microorganisms like bacteria who have sex with ourselves”. Part of this might sound mocking, but I assure you we have not reached that stage yet.
When asked about my existence as a Pansexual Asexual and Aromantic person, my partner “P” says being PanAroAce means I feel and experience a certain kind of freedom in an attraction which is not restricted to gender-based or sexual or romantic attraction. I am attracted to human beings and the desire I experience for them is greater than any narrow romantic or sexual label. It’s an all-encompassing feeling that I get from the person and their presence is what matters to me the most and what they bring to my life and how they see me. It is a connection and intimacy with another human being and everything they love and it makes them who they are.
So you do see that the diversity of love and the experience of feeling love is not a binary. It’s a spectrum, a nebula, if I may just go ahead and quote this.
Experiencing this as an intersex person is certainly a unique experience because when people around you love you for who you are, it feels assuring and affirming. To put things in context, an intersex person is someone who is born with sexual characteristics, hormones or genitalia—external or internal—chromosomes, etc that do not fit the norms of being typical male or female, commonly referred to as Diversity in Sex Development or Differences of Sex Development.
Something I really struggled with has been the explaining I have had to do to make people, my dates and the people I have seen that I am not a fake person and I am not making things up about my body and my body’s unique experiences.
What I really can tell you here is there are a lot of ways that our society shames people for having rather ordinary bodies, the shame is attributed to being fat, intersex, disabled, etc. Also, say fat and disabled, they are not bad words.
All of these first-hand experiences have really taught me some first-hand skills. I had to live through these experiences to learn to be compassionate and humble, to have empathy and probably pose active listening skills.
I can perhaps tell you that I am polyamorous because I just have a lot of love to give to a lot of people through various intersections of life itself. Love to my friends is also a form of love to me and limiting that love by conditions that you ought to focus on your life once you have settled down is bogus. I am in love with my partners but the same love is differently experienced by me for different people. For some, I just admire the way they hold onto themselves and exist the way they are. Isn’t that a pretty way of just loving them or adoring their life?
Before you ask me or the editor: “Is polyamory immoral?”, I would like to pose another question to you. Ask yourself again, perhaps after sipping some water for hydration, “What is so moral about monogamy anyways?”
I also thoroughly believe in solidarity between asexual/aromantic people with the onus of being polyamorous because this is very important. Our existence itself rejects the typical societal ideas of what relationships should look like and the idea of finding that ‘single, compatible and ideal partner to live your whole life with’.
There is widespread erasure of polyam/ace/aro and intersex people in the queer community and otherwise. Because suddenly, now everyone has opinions over something they disregard because they do not understand the nuances of how our dating and relationship exist.
Just understanding, acknowledging and knowing this in a non-mocking way that people are allowed and can love in more ways than friendship or romance is important. This is why we have terms like queer platonic dating/love/relationships that matter to us the most and fostering those bonds are very vital for our existence.
What I really got to know about myself once I experienced polyamory has to do a lot with my self-esteem. The moment I was aware that people around me are imperfect and capable of love in all forms of receiving and giving, I was able to love people as they were. I was able to feel the same for myself. It helped me create a worthy, affectionate environment for myself.
Also, here, I simply want to emphasise a small rant I have with conventional dating. For me, this personally sounds like I am not supposed to literally care about you until you have decided to commit to them and their existence. Committing to them early or within a few moments is a walking red flag? Who is defining these red flags? One has to understand that these standards of dating or loving are nonsense. They are just holding you off from loving many people in their many forms. It is not protecting you so do not think that is a favour to yourself.
And, to end this, I repeat to myself: Polyamory is rewarding.
(Views expressed are personal)
(This appeared in the print as 'Spectrum of Connections')
Duha Co-founder, Intersex Human Rights India
