MY RELATIONSHIPS " A good relationship is not about whether you can live togeher or not, but about whether you can get along with each other. My ideal man is somebody who accepts and loves me for whom I am. That's because I also give back a lot in return."
From hiding, to being comfortable with, to flaunting even—these are milestones that map the distance the Urban Indian Woman has covered in her mind about her body. Discovering, along the way, desires that have long been denied, needs that have long been unmet. Trying to unburden herself of the baggage of inherited inhibitions, so that she can travel light on the path to a new sexual sensibility. No, it's not as if the Indian woman has taken to a bed-hopping spree, body groping mindlessly to fulfil her physical yearnings. Nor has she suddenly arrived at new-found carnal clarity. She still finds herself at many confusing crossroads as she sorts out sex in her mind. And yet, amidst all the flush and fuddle about sex, today's city-bred woman is at the beginnings of an affair with her sexuality—getting to know it better, familiarising herself with its demands, and enjoying her new relationship with it.
"As urban Indian women access more and more spaces in the private and public sphere—at offices, tours, night-shifts, malls, cafés, nightclubs, parties, on roads—they take their sexuality with them everywhere, learn to be comfortable with it everywhere," corroborates Shiv Visvanathan, sociologist at the Centre for the Study of Developing Societies. "Because sexuality, unlike sex, is not confined to the bed, it's a part of everyday life, it's your attitude." Follows then that it's not just screen sirens who are entitled to sensuality today—every woman, everywhere, can be "sexy". "And the portrayal of The Mother in our ads illustrates this new truth," elaborates Visvanathan, "Ma in commercials earlier was no different from an Ambassador car, both equally unerotic. Contrarily, moms in ads today are smart, savvy, sassy, and yes, sexy women."
This is a makeover that mirrors the transformation in the modern woman's psyche, says Radhika Chandiramani, clinical psychologist and director, tarshi, a seven-year-old Delhi-based sexual health helpline: "Independent of whether the sexual behaviour of women in urban India has changed or not—and it has to a large extent—their sexual attitude has. Sexual well-being, for many metro women, is now an expectation from life and is perhaps even on its way to becoming their right."
A premonition that is borne out by some of the responses to the Outlook-NFO survey when it asked 1,086 women across 10 cities questions about sexuality. Aged between 18 and 40 years, from metros and small towns, 57 per cent of the respondents affirmed that sex was as important to them in a relationship as it was to a man. Fifty per cent agreed (or strongly agreed) that a woman can ask her man to satisfy her sexual fantasies. And 68 per cent believed that women are more comfortable with their sexuality now than they were even five years ago (that is, they either "somewhat agreed", agreed or strongly agreed with the statement). Not whopping numbers maybe, but significant certainly: because they add up to make for a new equation on the forge between Indian women and the control they seek over their sexual lives. Why, 31 per cent even cheered women could overtly pursue men they find attractive!
These are liberating lengths to have travelled on the pleasure trail. Especially considering where the journey for sexual fulfilment begins for most women in our country. Tutored to be passive, submissive recipients of sex that men must initiate, women's sexual experiences, let alone their sexual aspirations, have rarely been issues at stake in our country. Till a decade ago, in fact, pleasure in women's sexuality wasn't even a part of explicit feminist concern. Perceived mostly as no more than a reproductive chamber, the female body has long been inscribed with elaborate codes of honour. Considered male property, to be protected or mauled, locked into passionless, abusive relationships, victimised by patriarchal sexual practices, whether through feudal exploitation, during caste atrocities, in communal riots, in policies regarding reproduction, in marital rape. These regressive realities are rampant still, but then it's equally valid that growing numbers of women are challenging the dominantly male sexual order handed down to them. .
MY BODY " I am comfortable with my body. It's what God has given me. I am told I have shock value. But I don't notice people getting shocked by me , because I am absorbed in what I do. If I noticed. I'd only be to happy to shock people."
"Women today, in the upper and middle classes at least, aren't in denial of their sexual needs, and, in no mood to let their partners deny them these needs either," declares Vijay Nagaswami, psychoanalyst and author of Courtship and Marriage: A Guide for Indian Couples. "Whether they feel sexual comfort in a relationship or not is becoming an important factor in women's assessment of the quality of the relationship now." Perhaps why there's an unprecedented rush of women in Chennai-based sexologist Dr Narayan Reddy's clinic: "More female patients are coming to see me now than ever before in my 22 years of practice. " He defines the difference further: earlier men would come and maybe bring their wives later only if he insisted or women would be brought by their parents or in-laws. Now women come alone, often make appointments for their husbands, and sometimes even come in with their lovers. "But the most telling sign of change in women's sexual attitude is that unlike earlier times, they now seek help not just to minimise their sexual problems, but also to ensure they know how to maximise their pleasure." In fact, impressed by this zoom in the demand for sexual gratification, Reddy, as chairperson of Council of Sex Education and Parenthood International, is pushing that vibrators be imported and marketed by the Council.
Vibrators are turn-ons," giggles a 39-year-old homemaker, "Actually, given that most of our men are such lousy lovers, some women would not ever know what it means to be turned on but for the blasted vibrator—so, I made sure I was luckier!" Promise that her name won't find mention, and she confesses to loving her husband very much, having had two "serious relationships" and one "mind-blowing physical fling" outside marriage. Any regrets? "None. I felt good and cherish having felt good," she declares.Meanwhile, another assurance of anonymity has a 20-year-old Delhi college student making a clean breast of similar "guiltlessness" amongst many of her sexually active girlfriends. "It's irritating when the guys you've made out with on an impulse some night after a party turn all awkward and gawky the next day," she complains. And, here's information about a new campus slang: "Many girls refer to their boyfriends as their f*** buddies."
But then, lots of women having loads of sex doesn't give birth to a sexual revolution. In fact, sexual liberation for women the world over has never been about physical permissiveness alone; such liberation can only be offspring to greater social changes. Conceived in a climate that allows greater negotiating powers to women in relationships: when the choices to remain virgin, be monogamous or promiscuous can be made with equal ease, in gender-even playing fields.
MY FREEDOM " Freedom for me is the ability to do whatever I want to without owing anyone any answers. My mom has always told me:' Go out and be yourself. Don't be like others as long as you are not breaking the law'."
At 43, and a divorcee for three years now, Suchitra Ganguli (name changed), a freelance graphic designer, says she's having better sex than she's ever had in her 14-year-long marriage: "Not because I am having more sex now, but because I am having less. I hated not being able to say no to my husband." A social sector professional, Anjana Gupta (name changed), 27, jokes about having many more orgasms with her boyfriend after she started paying the rent of the apartment they are sharing! "It sounds silly," she chuckles sheepishly, "But now it feels like I am having sex on my own terms. That's like a lubricant!"
Says Delhi-based psychoanalyst Madhu Sarin: "From greater financial freedom to access to safe contraception—all of this has contributed to giving women a feeling of greater sexual autonomy." It's freeing also that there's relatively more openness about sex now, at least in our cities. Reena Nath, a Delhi-based family therapist, cites a case that points up to the scaling down of moral judgement about matters sexual. When a small-town Uttar Pradesh teenager came in with her boyfriend to seek Nath's advice on pregnancy, the therapist asked her to go see a gynaecologist. Who, the teenager later informed Nath, didn't lecture her, prescribed a morning-after pill and counselled her on contraceptives.Nath confides, "Acceptance levels are up, in turn instilling greater confidence in the choices that women are making to express their sexuality." A decade ago, women who felt attraction for other women had no support groups to share their doubts with, to identify with. Now, there are at least five strong lesbian organisations in India. "Not that lesbian relationships aren't still stigmatised," says Maya Shankar, coordinator of Sangini, a helpline for women attracted to women, "But the cause has much more visibility now, much less silence around the issue." Sangini's outreach programmes find that many more women want to talk, and are talking about their sexual preferences than before.
"Long suppressed, the Indian woman is now externalising her desires. Going through processes of extroversion, sexual aggression and even sexual abandon," observes Ahmedabad-based psychiatrist and avid gender researcher Dr Vishwamohan Thakur, "But this will have to be followed up by her looking inwards again, to get in touch with emotions like love, empathy, stillness and depth. Then she'll feel sexually complete."
The urban Indian woman's affair with her sexuality, though, has begun. And, knowing her, she will see it through to a pleasurable climax.
