MOM'S THE WORD MTV VJ Mini Mathur makes sure that one parent is always with the baby.
Motherhood is being redefined, and not just in the rarified world of the Beautiful People. Stop by schools when upwardly mobile mothers pick up their toddlers, scan shopping malls on Saturday afternoons, or look in on children's birthday parties and you'll see jeans-clad, gym-toned bodies. These mothers no longer necessarily look the way mothers used to. And nor do they necessarily behave the way they did. Generation Now moms are certainly trying hard to be more emancipated, taking both the professional and personal in their stride, and attempting the balancing act between work, home and motherhood.
Many young mothers are getting back to work, picking up where they left off and not letting motherhood slow down their ascent up corporate ladders. "More women are reporting back to work after their maternity leave," says Sanjiv Bikchandani of Naukri.com. Adds Alka Bhirani, 29, who works with HFDC and has a three-and-a- half-month-old daughter: "Not going back is an exception. Earlier, there was a decision to be taken, now jaana hi hai (one has to go)."
Of course, the Supermoms have not quite taken over in India: something always gives, and behind each supermom there are millions or minions, and usually a family support system. Actress Neena Gupta, the single mother who inspired many others, admits that she couldn't have survived had she not "been a celebrity", and her father and aunt not moved in to help.
But the attitude towards motherhood has certainly changed. It is less a matter of chance than of choice, and today's young urban educated women are taking parenting more seriously. It is their decision to have children, ergo they have to give them their best. Emancipation lies in exercising their choices: you now have different categories of Generation Now mothers.
Hands-On Motherhood: Keeping up with their counterparts in the West, many are beginning to opt out of the workplace to raise children. Hitting the 'maternal wall' before even getting to the glass wall. Highly qualified women on the fast track with blue-chip companies who believe they no longer need to prove anything to anybody. Motherhood has a more exalted position.
No Motherhood: Simran and Jayadev Parthasarthy, in their late 20s, have decided not to have children. Both have 12-hour working days and feel there's no point having children if you can't look after them in a world "where the risk of going out of control for the child is far greater".
Deferred Motherhood: An increasing number of young career women are putting motherhood on the backburner. Priyanka Banerjee-Bhatia, 28, HR manager in an MNC, will wait until her mother or mother-in-law is able to move in. "Many of my xlri batch-mates have decided similarly, not wanting to leave their children with strangers." Of course, there is also the consumerist heaven—of flats, cars, holidays, eating out—courtesy double-income families and credit cards.
Part-time Motherhood: Flexi-time and part-time work is the panacea for mothers who want to do both. The internet and the mobile have made this more plausible. Moreover, employers are also becoming more flexible.
The Mommy Track: Many new mothers hop on to the slow lane at work, choosing not to work long hours and saying no to business travel.
But a large majority soldiers on, steering clear of the Mommy Track. And according to Lakshmi Lingam, an associate professor in Women's Studies at the Tata Institute of Social Sciences, not just for economic reasons: "They are discovering their identity. Not only does nurturing satisfy them, they also want to work, feel they're doing something."
Even if it is uphill all the way. Take Shivani Marwah Urs, 27, who became a mother seven months ago. Working in a multinational market research agency in Delhi, Shivani says: "I lost a promotion during maternity leave, I want to make up for it." So, each moment of her life is accounted for: "If you don't plan, there's chaos. I am up at 7 even when I've stayed up all night with the baby. I don't own my life, I am owned by the baby and my professional commitment. Can't remember when I went out and had coffee.... I feel guilty going out, my baby waiting all day, I am his world." It's a difficult life, and yet she's determined to be both, a mother and career woman. But many of her friends have delayed parenthood. In her MBA class of 1996, 25 couples are still childless.
Delhi executive Shuchi Bhagat, 32, became a mother last year. She and her orthodontist husband planned it that way. "People are settling down later, wanting to know their spouse better before becoming parents. Earlier the first kid came at 25, today it's 32-33." They always take their seven-month daughter Aadya along when they go out. "Our child becomes part of our lifestyle." Planning is the new mantra.
Like Shuchi, scores of young mothers are reshaping motherhood to suit the times, tweaking it to fit their needs. It is no longer grandmother knows best. These young mothers discard "old wives' tales about bringing up children", turning instead to cybernet gurus. Says Sumiko: "We get our knowledge through the media, through reading and the countless baby sites.Now you log on the moment you are pregnant." Working mothers also expect inputs from their husbands. "They have an equal role. Earlier they just played with their children, but kids are more complex now. We expose our children to so many weird things, we need to explain things, to deal with their stress. We also expect so much from them," says Sumiko.
PICTURE PERFECT Fashion photographer Sumiko takes her five-month-old daughter to work.
Husbands increasingly comply, but if they are too busy, the next best thing, and the new ally of young working mothers is the mother-in-law. She is—contrary to her Hindi film image—rolling up her sleeves and taking care of her grandchildren. Indira Kaul, 36, Delhi-based HDFC executive, has a five-month-old daughter and a six-year-old son: "My mom-in-law didn't want me to leave my job when I had my son. She had no support when she worked." Similarly, Alka too relies on her mother-in-law: "Mothers-in-law are taking charge because their sons want them to. Husbands want their wives to go back to work, they've accepted us as working women."
Meanwhile, the aura of motherhood is getting brighter—if not exactly sexier—especially in showbiz. For inspiration during her pregnancy, Mathur had her husband flash pictures of Liz Hurley making a ravishing appearance days after delivering a baby. Like Mathur, model Walucsha Robinson cut down on work to spend time with her baby. Both avoid travelling, work less and manage schedules with husbands so that one parent is always with the child.
After eight days of work, Govitrikar is taking eight days off to spend time with her daughter. Urvashi's finally weaning her daughter, now one, off mother's milk because she's travelling to Milan. Mathur says that however busy, she makes sure she bathes, feeds, and puts her baby to sleep.
In between, she parties. "You still have to do the things you want to." So, while they discover motherhood, these mothers cling on to their own lives. Adds Urvashi: "It's important to have a career and a family. One won't wait for the other." But she makes it sound simpler than it probably is. Bosses, especially women, may make it easier, but the rat race in offices has never been as frenzied. Moreover, Shivani still has not gone out for that cup of coffee. But mama knows best.
