"When today's women assert themselves sexually, economically and intellectually, the Indian man has to make an effort to keep pace."
—Rajiv Menon, Fimmaker
"Some years ago, if a man saw women socialising alone, he might have thought they were loose. But a man just can't do that today."
—A.D. Singh, Restaurateur
James Dean (1931-55), one of the most admired stars, did just three major films (East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, Giant). But before he was torn away from megastardom by a 185-kmph crash he did enough to ensure no one played brooding misunderstood loners better.
"There is no comparison between what the Indian woman was 20 years ago and what she is today. She commands her own space vis-a-vis her sexuality."
—Manoviraj Khosla Fashion designer
"I would give credit to women for changing and evolving, but also to men for seeing them in a very different light and accepting that change.".
—Marc Robinson, Fashion choreographer
[Some names have been changed to protect their identities from people less liberated than those idealised by the article]
With apologies to Nietzsche, who knew zip about such things:
When you gaze into an abyss,
The abyss gazes also into you,
And she winks diabolically.
The modern urban Indian man peers fearfully over the cutting edge of romance. It is not a pretty sight. Untold depths of meaning lurk behind the thoughtful, kohl-rimmed eyes of his intended. Some monsters you recognise. You've checked out the self-help books and websites; of course you've known for years that there is no right answer to, "Do I look fat in this?"
But the real nastiness of the abyss you're staring into is that today's problem is yesterday's man. Your father's generation had two sundowners and a stentorian tone, your rural cousins reckon that lathis and lots of attitude would do. Meanwhile you've got half-baked notions of fairness and gender equality tossed rudely into a centuries-old chutney of patriarchal power—Andrea Dworkin meets Enid Blyton to produce a bastardised Code of Manu, every alternate page reversed.
And you just can't deal with the fact that the horizons of the contemporary urban Indian woman have exploded. Discount the fact that you earn more and now don't have to travel abroad to buy Nike. Such changes in a man's world are piffle compared to the professional, economic, social and sexual revolution that your sisters—and putative lovers—have enjoyed. These are dramatic changes in the contours of a woman's life.
Education and financial independence have created a new Indian woman. Which is nice.
The implication isn't. It utterly transforms the balance of power between the sexes. Remove the pretence (all our upbringing ever prepared us for) that our critical roles are of protector and provider; what else remains? As Samir Parikh, psychiatrist with Max Health Care, says, "Indian men, still largely from a patriarchal setup, accept her new avatar but can't unlink the homemaker image. A woman with a better salary is still an adjunct for him. There's an imbalance."
Of course you can still provide occasional romance and sex, but this isn't as good as it first sounds; there are too many options for the girl with a life, too many tempting simulacra with all the fun and none of your irritating habits.
Welcome to 21st century schizoid man.Your ideal certainly wasn't the doormat with convent education located for our fathers on the matrimonial meat market. You reckon you can handle independent careers, ex-lovers, and skimpy clothes that weren't worn for your benefit alone.Hell, you can even accept that she thinks the Grateful Dead were anachronistic hippies who couldn't stay in tune, even if it really hurt.
But how do you cope with a woman who sees you primarily as arm candy at social dos, as sometime provider of sex and domestic venture capitalist, plastic all primed for that new pair of Gucci shades? It's a problem you can simply ignore, of course. And probably end up bored and alone.
Or you could wait. Jeetendra Nagpal, psychiatrist at VIMHANS, suggests the new woman be patient: "She shouldn't be relentless in asserting her newfound power." But when did anyone last voluntarily hand over hard-won power?
You could, ahem, try being nice. There are virtues like generosity, kindness and empathy. After one heavenly month, you'll be a doormat. Clearly along such ways lies madness. But what's a man to do? It's not a surprise that most men are struggling. "Men aren't adapting to the changed power equation in relationships," agrees psychologist Rashna Imhasly.
Yet there is a solution for anyone with a little bit of the rebel in search of a cause—and which man doesn't? And it's one of the last weapons available to a man.
And though it's open to anyone who seeks it, it actually died early one September morning nearly half a century ago, on a dusty road off the two-house town of Cholame, California. A speeding Porsche Spyder swerved to avoid a car that appeared from nowhere, lost control and crashed.
The Porsche's 24-year old driver died on the way to hospital. His name was James Dean. We'll get to him in a bit. First, the problems.
- Amir and Deepa were eight weeks into a passion that hadn't yet dissolved into acrimony over dal-chaval. Late one night Deepa snuggled against Amir and whispered, "I don't think we'll see each other any more. I'm planning to go back to my ex."
Amir jerked away, alarming Deepa's cat, who responded by clawing his shoulder. - Mina's sure she doesn't want to sleep with George, but he's still the only man she'll bring home for mummy's khakras. When she's in a quiet mood. Otherwise she'll party, and after two vodkas, she's laying bets with her girl friends: "See that guy next to the DJ...how soon do you reckon I'll pull him?" She usually wins.
- Dilshad's lost count of the nice men she's picked up and dropped. You can only play her game well if your competition isn't a decade younger than you. So she's smart enough to add a twist. She's vice-president of something that sounds suitably heavy to impressionable young men seeking a foothold on the mba ladder. Of course, power is an aphrodisiac, and the mind-bending doesn't stop. So when she threatened Shanker that she'd wreck his career if he didn't stay with her, his heart nearly stopped....
- Priya and Neela were old friends who found themselves loving the untouchable. Career women with lots to lose from a highly stressful distraction, both in love with married men. Zahid said he'd never leave his wife and daughter, but crumbled whenever Priya sobbed to him. And Neela slowly got Avtar around to where he'd nod when she called his wife Mercedes "that slag."
Today: Amir retreats in shattered confusion. Meanwhile, Deepa does her nails.
JD's way: "You know something? You read too many comic books." (Rebel Without A Cause)
Yesterday: Every man would go home with Mina. At least once. Then return to guilt-stricken domesticity.
Today: Every man wants to be Mina's friend. But she always decides when a "friend" stops being something more. When Mina can't pull, she may settle for George. This occasionally ends in unsatisfactory sex for both."Not again," they agree over morning coffee.Underneath the understanding, George is slowly going mental.
JD's way: "Man has a choice and it's a choice that makes him a man." (Giant)
Yesterday: Vice-president? Woman? What planet is this?
Today: Dilshad's got Shanker dancing to some horrid tune from a vile nightmare. Pain focuses attention well, so he knows it even better than she does. What's a torn, frayed man to do?
JD's way: "You do look pretty, near good enough to eat!" (Giant)
Yesterday: Priya and Neela are doomed. They are Bad Women, and no good they ever do will excise society's limited view of them.
Today: Priya, Zahid and his wife Sara live in misery until Sara has an affair, or Priya figures that Zahid isn't worth the stress, or both. Neela meets someone more interesting, and Avtar now finds himself at the pointed end of a triangle. The Slag's been quite virtuous, actually, but doesn't want too much to do with him, either.
JD's way: "Hey, you forgot to wind your sundial." (Rebel)
But beware of assuming that Life According to the Image of James Dean is all about reverting to cro-magnon opportunism. There never was, and never will be, a worthy woman who will invest in your bog-standard loutishness. More than ten centuries ago, Sei Shonagon, a lady of Japan's Heian dynasty court, wrote her wonderful Pillow Book, a fascinating set of observations on manners. She writes, "One's attachment to a man depends largely upon the elegance of his leave-taking."
The specific elements of personal style have changed since Sei Shonagon's day, but the general principle of grace under pressure will never fail you. Especially if you're just wicked enough to make like James Dean.
