Seriously Single

Jasmeet has suddenly turned the spotlight on an issue which was always there, lurking somewhat apologetically in the background, provoking questions, arousing voyeuristic curiosity, never looked at straight in the eye. "In India, marriage is largely still the norm and 'confirmed singles' are a minority though the numbers are on the rise," explains Jasmeet.

She agrees though that society is changing rapidly and becoming more accepting of people who're single by choice or otherwise. And it's apparent that there are an increasing number of people who're opting to remain single. Have no definite plans for marriage because it just doesn't seem to fit in with busy career schedules. Or, are just very comfortable with the fact that marriage hasn't happened and it's not worth the effort wasting any time pondering over it. And then, there are innumerable pastures to draw sustenance from.

Shohini Ghosh, 36, Reader, TV and Video Productions, Mass Communications Research Centre at Delhi's Jamia Millia Islamia explains her stand patiently. "Where is the problem?" she asks, disagreeing with Jasmeet that there may be a dilemma somewhere. "I'm single but

I don't live outside the family. I have a dog and a cat as well; it doesn't imply I'm alone." For her, married life is an alien concept, having decided at the early age of 10 never to get married. "My mother, though happily married, always said that marriage and babies are two huge myths of life," she says. "I'm a very people-oriented person, I've lots of friends but I don't want all of them in my house. I need my own space."

The concept of personal space has evolved from being mere coffee-table jargon to a very palpable need for most who've made the choice to remain single. Sociologists attribute this desire to the exhaustion experienced at the end of the day jostling for space in varied arenas. Both physical and emotional space is shrinking in this competitive, crowded world where continuous negotiation is the keyword, culminating in striking the right chord in a marriage. It has to stop somewhere and it does at the only place where one is totally in control—the self. Says V.R. Nand Kumar, 50, who runs Communications India, a PR firm in Bangalore: "The impact of a joint family, six siblings and the stature as a small-town boy moulded me into a man independent in lifestyle and thought. The effort to create personal space therefore comes naturally."

 This space again takes on new dimensions with time. "It has changed for me from when I was 20 when it represented keeping options open to something I just assume today where I wouldn't make a compromise," says historian and writer Salim Kidwai, 46, who despite coming from a family with very feudal values made a conscious decision in his 20s never to get into a family-life situation. He admits he doesn't feel comfortable with married people but then "anyway you tend to socialise with singles and there are enough around". Lending credence to Shohini's statement that she has a large circle of single friends which creates a sense of community.

Community. Shohini's hit the nail on the head, for what we're probably looking at is a growing community of singles for whom marriage is no more a necessity, but a choice. In fact, according to the US Single Adult Ministries Journal, 1993, one of the social consequences of this growing population of singles is that, given the service sector's commodification of all aspects of family life, and the entire spectrum of singles—unmarried, divorced and widowed—one could expect a burgeoning singles industry.

In India that process may be sometime away, but with attitudes undergoing a sea-change, singledom is flouting hackneyed norms and laying down new laws. "People do assume a lot of things, like a single person may be gay, a weirdo, but who cares? It's my choice," asserts Kidwai.

While personal space is the common thread binding most singles, there are other reasons as well. "I come from a family which doesn't get married," states Laila Tyabji, 51, simply. But for the chairperson of Dastkar, a society for crafts and craftspersons, that wasn't really the deciding factor. She admits that she never thought she wouldn't get married. When she was at the so-called 'marriageable age' she kept telling herself 'not just now'. She was having too much fun exploring career options, relationships and friendships. "Then suddenly I realised that I'm fine the way I am," she says.

ACCORDING to her, it's not about taking a conscious decision at any particular age. It's about situations changing at different points in time and making choices which suit the moment. "I've lived alone, with my parents, shared relationships and now again I'm on my own in a large house. If someone wants to share it with me they're welcome. I'm not a solitary person."

Solitary. Alone. Lonely. Words that keep cropping up in conversations with the much-married multitudes who feel that companionship and sex is what nature ordained. "But is marriage the answer? Do you know how many patterns of sexual and herd behaviour animals have?" asks Jasmeet. Primal behavioural patterns are finally showing up the cracks in man-made institutions. "Being single doesn't mean celibacy anymore," chorus the Singles Club. It no longer means the lack of a companion either.

"Indian society has always been accommodating of singles because celibacy was worshipped," opine both Kidwai and Jasmeet. Result: singledom=celibacy=spirituality. But virginity is no more a hallowed concept. Social parameters are being redefined, single-dom is taking on a definite identity and an entire social restructuring is on the make. A collective psyche breaking away from the Indian ethos of the four ashrams of life where the widowed, abandoned, and, more recently, divorced had a place but not so much the diehard single, specially if she was a woman. Says journalist Rahul Singh, 57: "The old images are fading—frustrated, frigid old maid, flirtatious, fickle bachelor, virginity and promiscuity, nurturer and provider. Many got married earlier for physical or economic reasons. Those taboos have gone. Even in the smaller towns."

The son of celebrity writer Khushwant Singh, Rahul is a confirmed bachelor who kind of just strolled into singledom because he never really had the time to get married. "It's partly because of the nature of the work I do—a 24-hour job which would be tough on a wife." But like the rest he's never really felt lonely, has a number of friends, has had innumerable girlfriends but shies away from a live-in one. "The primary reason is that though my parents are liberal, this is one situation they won't accept. The other factor is that I like to have space to do what I want to when I want to." Nand Kumar, on the other hand, feels that if marriage is a live-in relationship allowed by society, the very fact that people are still discussing live-in relationships indicates that marriage as an institution is eroding.

WHILE that may be an extreme sentiment, what's obvious is that an increasing number of marriages are not standing the test of time. Nowadays, most people feel careers stand in the way of keeping a marriage on an even keel. Jasmeet says that being bound by a marital contract means having to balance and negotiate and at the same time retain independence and individual identity. Create an environment that is both interconnected and inter-independent. A complex web which many are beginning to shun and would rather not get entangled in. Says film and television actress Kalpana Iyer, 37: "I've been independent for far too long to settle down now and start compromising. I'd much rather be single and answer to myself for I don't have the time to play 20 questions for every step I take. One has to respect one's own body and mind."

 Echoes TV journalist Kankana Das, 30: "I don't think anybody starts out thinking negatively about marriage. But down the line other priorities take over and you keep thinking there's plenty of time. But by the time that time arrives, there's a sense of personal space which often is not the ideal platform for a lasting marriage." Mamta Mukherjee, 36, client services controller, Lintas, Bangalore, candidly admits she never felt the need for companionship and wouldn't want to marry and mess up a man's life because she wouldn't be able to adhere to traditions and family ties. "I'm blissfully happy being single and hardly anybody asks me why I'm not married."

 But there's a flip side to it all. The desire for personal space may make a person intolerant, rigid and less able to share. It can result in fierce autonomy which in turn may lead to isolation. One of the areas addressed by Jasmeet's workshop.

Restricted to about 30 people, the one-day exercise will explore among other issues, the impact being single has on a person's identity. There are, according to the psychotherapist, many more dimensions than just the physical—emotional, intellectual, social and practical day-to-day considerations. The joys, the pitfalls. Nowadays, explains Jas-meet, while singles are not looked upon so much as oddities, there's always someone matchmaking or there may be a slow erosion of self-esteem whereby one might feel that there was something wrong with him/her. In such cases, the workshop plans to try and identify role models.

Some may not need such role models. At 62, anti-nuclear activist Prof E.P. Menon is still leading protest marches in Bangalore and wallowing in the "exciting and fruitful" state of singledom. The thought of marriage crossed his mind only once, 38 years ago, when he met Ludmilla in Moscow during his three-year-walkathon around the world against nuclear weaponisation. "But I had to complete my walk through the world and end it at Hiroshima."

For others, though comfortable in the lifestyle they've adopted, the feeling that singledom is an ideal state and carries no baggage, may not be true. "Social dos are always about couples. What happens if I don't have a boyfriend? Till some time ago, most discos discouraged only women if you weren't accompanied by a man or vice versa. Who do I go for a holiday with?" says 38-year-old Kiran Sharma, assistant trade promotion advisor at the British High Commission, Delhi. "Most of my friends are married and I don't want to intrude on a family holiday."

Kiran never thought of marriage because she'd been so involved with her family and carving out a career that she feared that she would not be able to do justice to a husband. "I really don't know the value of a man in my life because I've groomed myself to be so independent." There are others who feel a single person is taken advantage of by friends and relatives. Tyabji agrees but also disagrees. "There's an assumption that a single person has less problems. But the curious thing about being single in this society is that you're always included as confidante, mediator, babysitter, spare wheel and become a part of many families. I'm often sought after to provide answers."

CALCUTTA-based Joey Chaliha, 39, an advertising professional, cites logistical problems. "My parents are very liberal so I never had marriage shoved down my throat. And although I'm very comfortable being who I am, there are still certain irritants. Say when you're invited to a party. I've to depend on somebody to drive me home because I don't drive and don't have a partner. Or friends are going dancing with their spouses and I opt out because I'm single. It's still difficult to rent an apartment. Sometimes I feel like a fish out of water but you have to rise above the social chatter. Otherwise it's cool." Or when Nand Kumar says that slightly old-fashioned people tend to look upon the single with distrust and misgivings. So it helps if one maintains a low-profile sort of mind-my-own-business attitude. Another common regret is the absence of a child though most fulfil that natural instinct in the company of nieces and nephews. Shohini sums up for almost everyone when she says: "I've had the privilege of enjoying them without the responsibilities that come with parenthood."

While those like Shohini, Kidwai, Mamta, Singh or Kalpana Iyer fiercely refute any suggestion that they're ever outsiders in a circle of married friends, and that the support system of friends and relatives is ideal, it's feelings like 'fish out of water', 'taken advantage of' or 'spare wheel' that's prompted Jasmeet to organise the workshop. A first step towards learning to enhance the sense of enjoyment as well as interconnectedness in urban India. The many roles one plays—of friend, colleague, sibling, daughter, son, aunt, uncle. Or for the fact that India's PM may be single, but are unmarried people taken very seriously as Thayamma Ittra, 34, a journalist, asks.

Jasmeet feels that the need of the hour is support systems for singles, especially those without too many friends or close relatives like in the West where Singles clubs and support centres abound. She's more focused on women because while there are no definite statistics available, single women are probably overtaking men in sheer numbers reversing the earlier trend of more unmarried men.

A recent Ogilvy & Mather survey of Asian mothers titled Simme -ring Within indirectly throws some light on this phenomenon. According to the study, Asian mothers play five roles—mother, maid, manager, mediator and mate—and are less idealistic about the concept of 'superwoman'. Says once-married Gunjan Batra, 33: "It's the woman's lot that changes after marriage, not the man's. That's the factor that's scaring off many women today especially because economic independence is no more an issue. " Anjali Jain, 36, admits that although happily married, she feels she'd have grown differently and much more if she'd remained single. Ad professional Shalini Dam, 27, and married, opines that there's still this concept of married couples always being clubbed together and that tends to get boring.

But for the singles' tribe, boredom is a topic they seldom dwell on for long. Set as most of them are into living life as it happens every day. Most even brush off the lack of companionship in old age with the argument that they're in a better position than most married couples because they tend to cultivate multi-hued relationships through life. Refusing to any longer acknowledge marriage as an insurance against the proverbial bad times of illness and solitude.

With society finally opening up to the inclusion of a new community, for the Singles Club life is all about riding a high of varied experiences. A constant building of bridges with friends and extended families rather than abiding by the age-old notions of marriage and procreation.