The Remote Control

Originally published on March 14, 1995 as Balasaheb's Remote Control. Copyright: Busybee, courtesy Farzana Contractor

By now everybody knows that Mr. Bal Thackeray has got a remote control to manage things. But not many people know exactly what kind of a remote control it is. I asked one of his assistants.

“It is a Videocon remote control. It plays TV, video, Videocon washing machine, Videocon mixer-grinder, and Mantralaya,” the assistant said.

“That’s interesting,” I said. “How does it do it?”

“It is like any other remote control,” the assistant said. “Balasaheb Thackeray presses channel 5 and he gets Chief Minister Manohar Joshi, channel 6 is Gopinath Munde, channel 7 is Sudhir Joshi.”

“What’s channel 9?” I asked

“That is to have a three way meeting by remote control between Mantralaya, Sena Bhavan and Kala Nagar. All Mr. Thackeray has to do is press channel 9 and he is at the cabinet meeting. Channel 10 is for Varsha, where Chief Minister Joshi will be staying.”

“Could you get me the Mantralaya channel?” I said.

“Sorry, only Mr. Thackeray uses the remote control. If you want to contact Mantralaya, use the telephone,” the assistant said.

“What use is this remote control?” I said.

“What use is your remote control, same way,” the assistant said. “Besides, if Mr. Thackeray did not have the remote control, he would have to be chief minister and sit in Mantralaya, which he has repeatedly said he does not want to do. Now, he can have his TV and watch it.”

“So what are channels 10, 11, 12 for?” I asked.

“Each channel has its own programme,” the assistant said. “For instance, this one is for L. K. Advani, remote control discipline means remote control discipline for everybody. This one is for Sharad Pawar. Mr. Thackeray has still to decide whether to have an inquiry commission against him, and, till he decides, he has to remote control Mr. Pawar. And this one is for his son and nephew, they share a single channel.”

“And this?” I asked.

“Ah, that is channel 13. Balasaheb has always considered 13 as his lucky number. He has still to decide what programme that channel will be for.”

“What are these buttons here for?”

“They are to operate the VCR, rewind and replay,” the assistant said. “In case the chief minister or anybody else in the government forgets what they have been elected for, Mr. Thackeray will rewind and replay the Shiv Sena manifesto to them and quickly bring them back to their sense. The remote control is not just for fun, it will be used very strictly.”

“Nice to hear that,” I said. “Do you think I can press some of

the buttons?”

“Do you allow your children to play with your remote control? No,” the assistant said. “Similarly, Balasaheb does not allow anybody to play with his remote control.”

“I can understand that,” I said. “One more question, what is channel 29 for?”

“That is for Mr. Thackeray to tune to Zee TV and watch Close-Up Antakshari.”