My husband and I had, at the time of our marriage, agreed to have a biological child and adopt a second one. As life would have it, I had a miscarriage and was told that conceiving naturally would be a challenge. An IVF treatment was the only alternative. Our decision to apply for adoption was instantaneous.
My Story Of Adoption: The Joys Of Parenthood Can’t Be Expressed In Words
There should be no stigma to not giving birth, and no sense of moral high ground to adopting a child, writes Maloshree Sarkar.
Adopting a child no longer means a walk-in to an orphanage. We got ourselves registered in CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority) and our wait for a referral started. Our choice was ‘any gender’, ‘anywhere in the country’. We figured that just as we wouldn’t have a choice of gender if we were to conceive a biological child, we’d go for the option of any gender. Let life determine.
A wait of two years and a little over, Reuben was referred to us through Caritas Goa. We scanned the paperwork, and what caught my attention the most amidst the vaccination record, blood work, developmental yardsticks , etc., was the mention that Reuben has the most beautiful smile.
It is said that your face changes, but your smile remains the same. Reuben came into our lives with that smile. There were a few lines about his birth mother and when I see Reuben’s robust energy, I know it is his mother’s genes at work.
Artwork by Anupriya
The pandemic delayed our trip to Goa by a couple of months and we finally got Reuben when he turned 6 months. There was a lot of nervous energy I was going through. Much like labour pain, I think. You are well into the moment, yet there are clammy hands. I can never ever express how splendid our experience with Caritas, Goa, and Reuben’s home was. Father Maverick Fernandes, head of Caritas, walked with us in torrential rain to the office of the registrar
Reuben was given a tearful farewell by the Sisters. It is a very tricky moment. You can’t help but choke over the feeling that you are taking away the child they have loved since his birth.
The first half of the day was a bit hard. The child is distraught and confused. But with each nap and waking, there is more and more familiarity. We decided to continue with the name given by his birth mother. Reuben. I always knew that if I ever had a son, I’d name him Palash. The flame of the forest. My favourite flower. So, the bhalo (good) name is Palash/Polaash.
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Many parents express how the wait is agonising and testing, but for us, it gave us all the time that made us savour our mental preparedness for our child. This is not a “sale” opportunity that you will miss. The child that was destined to be yours, will come at the right time. Not a day sooner or later. Just as when you started the journey of trying to get pregnant. For some, it goes as planned. Like clockwork. For some it is tracking the ovulation dates, blood work, medicines, etc. In short, it’s a journey to have child through pregnancy, or through adoption.
Reuben will be two years old in a few days. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of his birth mother, and when I don’t feel gratitude for not being able to give birth. I had to be Reuben’s mother, there was no other way. Adopting a child makes you closer to the fraternity of mothers. Because someone could give birth, you became a mother. It’s an experience that can’t be articulated.
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When I glance back at the path traced since our registration at CARA, it has never felt that Reuben was never with us since day one. Women test positive, they perk up their diet, there is a new lifestyle, doctor visit, hospital and finally give birth. For us it was registering, uploading paperwork, following the movement of the queue, chatting up with prospective parents and those who are parents to adopted children. Taking care of one’s health because you want to be in top shape to take care of your child. Getting important work out of the way, knowing that when the time comes, we may have our hands full.
I find that some women forcefully mention that adoption came to them naturally and they never wanted to have biological children (true for many couples, though). Some conceal their efforts to seek medical intervention and fertility treatments and announce it was adoption all the way for them. It is the most natural instinct to want to give birth. There is no shame in that. If one has tried multiple times and had failed pregnancies, or undergone numerous IVF treatments, it doesn’t mean that adoption is something ‘you settle for’. It means that you move to the next best alternative.
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There should be no stigma to not giving birth, and no sense of moral high ground to adopting one. I would give no assurances such as there is no difference between your biological and adopted child. That you never know the difference. I think this is disrespectful towards the child you have decided to include in your life. Adoption is also like giving birth. There is no ‘getting’ to like it. You always wanted it. You always wanted a child. You always knew.
(This appeared in the print edition as "The Heart Knows")
(Views expressed are personal)
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