Poet-writer Prasoon Joshi’s heart-felt essay on the joys of adoption and parenthood
Amidst the dark pandemic, a bright side has been the morphing of the templated ‘events’ weddings and ‘milestone’ celebrations into smaller, more intimate ceremonies. At a recent one such close and connected gathering, marking the birth of a baby girl, conversations about different ways a family is made—for this one had chosen surrogacy—soon segued into a deeper discussion.
Let’s reflect on the situation when this option was legally absent and the direction the society was taking then. Many would recount stories of couples being under tremendous pressure—divorces, remarriages and other desperate measures—to have a child. But a silver lining was emerging. Adoption as an option. Adoption gives a ray of hope to many, bringing the patter of tiny feet to childless couples well past the expiry date of their hopes. It pushes the boundaries of the norm, compelling people to accept and overcome certain situations, open their hearts, and rise above circumstances.
Statistically, these cases may be small, but a change was brewing and slowly trickling down. It questions the limited mindset—why can’t you love your wife, your daughter-in-law, even if she can’t bear a child? Why is it the only factor that defines them? The definition of a woman has now broadened to a person with various dimensions and not just a child-producing vansh vriddhi machine. Or vice versa, is a man a lesser person if there are factors beyond his control to have offspring?
Adoption encourages couples to view their relationships as living up to the vow of being together through thick and thin, finding completeness in one another, staying together despite the pressure nature or society placed on them to procreate. Adoption awakens a better belief. Every infertile couple that chooses adoption signals that a woman is more than a child-bearer and, in cases of male infertility, that he was a man, irrespective of his sperm count.
For a couple who chose adoption or ones with a biological child, adding a sibling through adoption means an added dimension to the family in many ways. One can create a beautiful bond for life irrespective of genetic background—with nurturing, embedding values and kindling love. A bond that endures beyond the biological. It challenges creed, strata and more, breaking barriers, one adoptive family at a time. Propelling society in a more humane and constructive direction and dismantling the block that only biological offspring are worthy of complete parental commitment and love.
Yes, adoption is layered. Some have to overcome many an emotional barrier, others realistic concerns whilst parallelly dealing with societal bias. Add to that the process of legal adoption. The laws regarding adoption in India have a detailed process laid down. A child cannot be adopted directly. A series of checks and applications through a central agency takes its own time to be considered eligible for adoption under the Hindu Adoption Law. In fact, the personal laws of Islam, Christianity, Judaism do not permit adoption of children. However, they have a provision for ‘guardianship’ until the age of 21 for individuals.
It takes a certain calling to go through this all. Only to land with a child in your arms. Making every bit of the heartache, every shed or unshed tear, every moment of persistence worth it. The process is prolonged, but the love is instant. The child changes your life, blessing you to bear witness to innocence, warmth and unadulterated joy. And you wonder why do people think twice about going through with an adoption. The critical barrier is in the mind. Nevertheless, whichever angle or belief a thinking person views this from, it only amplifies it.
If you are a fatalist believing in destiny, all you have to do is hold the finger of this idea and know that destiny had pre-decided this path for you. On the other hand, you believe not in destiny but in the ability of human beings to shape the world around them and that human choices have a role in affecting reality, then adoption is not a barrier. If you believe that you are a free thinker and that there is a place for all kinds of expressions in the world, you will not find adoption a hurdle. Or a spiritualist who does not discriminate and comprehends that creation is one and all forms are a manifestation of divinity will have no issue in acceptance. Or even a realist, who gives themself a hard look in the mirror and makes a fair assessment of how worthy their genetic make truly is of being passed on, will also find it easy to be open to the concept of adoption. Viewed from any of these lenses, perhaps one understands that passing on love is more important than genes.
Adoption is a human narrative. A dimension of depth connects you to something larger, something more intricate than your own biology, and it broadens the ambit of what you thought were relationship bonds or families. Bringing up a child is more human than any genetic or biological need. In the latter, one is simply an instrument for nature to further a species, like in an animal. As a human being, one has the privilege of thought, choice, and emotional passing on of not a mere genetic framework but more of a genuine, sensitive thought construct. In our land’s culture, not only does the concept of a dattak child exist, but so does that of a manas putra—the ‘mind-born’. To whom not the genetic but the intellectual mindset is passed on. Indeed, being a parent isn’t just about bearing a child.
Sure, there are challenges in pre- and post-adoption, but bringing up any child comes with its joys and trials. I do not want to mindlessly gloss over the challenges but simply put forward that the ups far outweigh them in most cases. The yearning that drives the decision to adopt and the overwhelming happiness felt is soul-shaping. To feel loved by a child is a gift. And the most significant offering is the realisation that it’s not about you.
The greatest gift of adoption has nothing to do with self, spouse or sibling, or society, and it has everything to do with the child. The greatest joy of adoption is the child itself. When a child’s face lights up with joy, excitement or contentment, it’s something special. What is the greatest joy of adoption? The simple fact that it made someone a Ma, a Papa or Baba, a family. A family with struggles, doubts, hope, optimism and sheer gratefulness. A family with a unique dimension.
We are ordinary people who have been blessed and have had the privilege of opening our hearts and home to the extraordinary. To light and laughter, to immeasurable joy and unconditional love.
(This appeared in the print edition as "Sweet Child O’ Mine")
(Views expressed are personal)
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Prasoon Joshi is a poet and writer